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| Any hack columnist can predict the top five Dodge Charger 500 finishers. I predict the top five and the guy who will finish 17th! |
| LAST WEEK Top five: 3/5 17th: 0–1 |
| SEASON Top five: 21/50 17th: 0–10 |
| 1. Jimmie Johnson |
| 2. Greg Biffle |
| 3. Mark Martin |
| 4. Tony Stewart |
| 5. Kasey Kahne |
| 17. Dale Jarrett |
Zany wrecks have been the story of the 2006 season for Carl Edwards. He turned an off-season full of hype into a crash and a last-place finish in Daytona. At Atlanta, his best track, he managed to get wrecked on pit row¿and it didn't even involve a Busch brother. Spinning out while running in first at Texas just added to his misery. Since Carl is probably busy trying to win races to erase those memories, I decided to come up with new ways for him to finish lower than Jeremy Mayfield.
- Ask Michael Waltrip for driving tips.
- Install girlfriend Amanda Beard as crew chief. Dump wind tunnel sessions in favor of full-body shaving.
- Get shot by Jack Bauer for screwing up CTU.
- Insist on longer pit stops to check the NBA playoff scores.
- Go retro and run a 1975 Pinto.
- Borrow Kevin Harvick's pit strategy manual.
- Bump draft the pace car.
- Trade cars with Ryan Newman.
- Burnouts after the race are so cliché, but a burnout during driver intros? Now that would be awesome.
- Take a page from the game NASCAR 2005: Chase for the Cup and decide, "Screw it. I'm driving this race backwards."
- Get special "modifications" made to your car by Chad Knaus. Feign ignorance when NASCAR strips away your victory.
- Horoscope says 324 is your lucky number. There's really no need to run all 367 laps.
- Take a cue from teammate Greg Biffle and do your victory backflip after finishing fourth. Your car will be in the top five, but your dignity will be in last.