Well, the Super Bowl might be over, but the hangover isn't. So as I think back to my trip down to the world's greatest sporting event, I can't help but wonder how the hell am I going to get to go to another one of these things. It's like Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa and Chinese New Year all rolled into one (except with way fewer Chinese people). So here are a few of the highlights from Super Bowl XLI.
Thursday:
After tearing myself away from a PS3 and a Playmate (which is harder than you might think), we head over to Shaq's party at Giovanni Versace's mansion. What am I doing there? I have no clue, but I wasn't about to ask any questions. Standing next to Shaq, Matt Leinart and T.O.—where was Kobe?—one question kept coming into my head: what the hell are you supposed to say to some A-List celeb or sports star. So here are some icebreakers I came up with for a few of the stars I saw in Shaqapulco.
Shaq: Are the Fu Schnickens as cool in person as they are in their videos?
Ron Jaworski: Are you wearing pancake makeup? Do you know you're not on camera?
John Elway: Are you a member of the Mile High club?
Anna Kournakova: You ever take a crap that made you feel like you slept for 12 hours? (I suggest opting for the George Costanza "do the opposite" move with A.K.)
Matt Leinart: I'm not gay, but I just want to say you're a handsome man…
Pauly Shore: Honestly, dude, Encino Man, best fucking movie ever. Except for Son in Law.
Tom Brady: I'm not gay, but…
Michael Irvin: What smells better: Chris Berman or cocaine?
Joey Fattone: I'll take two Heieneken, please.
Terrell Owens: Anything bad happen during your season?
Common: Is your nickname "C'mon"? If not, can I call you "C'mon"? C'mon, let me call you C'mon. C'moooooon.
A-Rod: You know, part of me feels sorry for all the flack you take. Then, another, larger part of me hates you. Laters!
Jim Gray: Why does it smell like Kobe's balls in here? Oh, right, you burped.
Any of the myriad of unbelievably hot women in the crowd: Look, Tom Brady's only going home with one (OK, possibly two) women here tonight. So your chances of scoring him are slim. Why not go ugly early and make sure you're rested up for the rest of the weekend's parties? (Editor's Note: This does not work.)
Coming tomorrow: The Weekend.