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Wild Card Weekend: Sunday
Carolina Panthers at New York Giants
Panthers Key to Victory: Stop Tiki
And should it really be that hard? His name is Tiki after all. But if name-calling doesn't work, I have a plan. Why not kidnap his twin, Ronde, hold a rusty knife to his throat and tell Tiki you're going to gut him like a pig if he doesn't fumble the ball five times in the game? Or worse, tell him that you're going to force Ronde to read that kid's book they wrote together. That should do it. No one would want to put their brother through that kind of hell.
Giants Key to Victory: Stop Steve Smith
The one problem with this key to victory is that no one has been able to stop Steve Smith. If the Giants want to really do a number on the Panthers, they should sign Rae Carruth this week. The Panthers, of all teams, know that Rae has the ability to kill any team (or girlfriend) he's going up against. The only problem with this plan is there might not be enough time to check all the trunks in South Carolina before kickoff.
Game Ball Goes To: Steve Smith
The Giants secondary is more of a "tertiary," so Steve Smith should have a career day. Which means New York cornerback Will Allen will be able to take Steve to his daughter's school when she's having her own Career Day. "Hello class, my name is Will Allen and this is Steve Smith. Steve had a career day off me in the first round of the 2005 playoffs when he caught 11 balls for 186 yards. He's also the reason why I won't have a career when the next Career Day rolls around. One more thing, my daughter doesn't love me anymore."
Game's Balls Go To: Eli Manning
We've been showered in the shitstorm of hype and pisstorm of buzz, and now we'll see if the boy Manning is as good as everyone wants him to be. But I'm afraid he's going to crap more than his pants in the playoffs. He's going to crap the bed, the couch and your pants, too. It's not his fault, though. His progress is on pace. He'll be a fine quarterback in the future but he can't possibly live up to the expectations. What would happen if someone kept showing up at your cubicle and told everyone you were the prodigy of accountants? Sure you're a decent accountant, but when you forget to carry one measly seven and some other accountant takes that seven and runs it down the sideline for six, you look like a real shitty accountant. So, New Yorkers, when Eli forgets to carry the seven this Sunday, don't worry. He'll be carrying a lot of sevens in the coming years.
Final Score: Panthers 24 Giants 13
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Steelers Key to Success: Don't Change Anything
In the past four weeks the Steelers have played near perfect football. They're running the ball, throwing the ball and most importantly, stopping people from running and throwing on them.
Bengals Key to Success: Run the Ball
Cincinnati's defense has looked weaker than Stephen Hawking in a wrestling match. They couldn't stop crap if they were the Cincinnati Imodium ADs. So, to take as much pressure off their D as possible the Bengals need to run the ball, work the clock and stop trying to score 45 points a game. Once they get into a shootout, their defense seems to let up and assumes the offense will win the game for them. It won't work this time.
Game Ball Goes To: Steelers Offensive Line
The Steelers are going to have a serious case of runs in this game. They are going to take Carson and Co. out of this game by keeping them on the sidelines. On the bright side, that will hopefully give Chad Johnson plenty of time to find his lame-assed touchdown celebration props.
Game's Balls Go To: Cincinnati Defense
Something must be in the water in Baltimore because Marvin Lewis is succumbing to the Brian Billick disease. Brian Billick, the supposed offensive genius, hasn't had a decent offense since Knute Rockne called something "a forward pass," but somehow had the world's greatest defense for years. Now Marvin Lewis, the defensive genius, couldn't stop a nun from scoring but somehow has one of the most dynamic, high scoring offenses in the league. I wish someone could call me a celibate genius so I could finally get laid.
Final Score: Pittsburgh 27 Cincinnati 20