Words can be so hurtful, as these baseball blowhards prove with their every in-game utterance.
<strong>5. Steve Lyons (Los Angeles Dodgers)</strong>- Don't get us wrong. We strongly encourage the mentally and cognitively impaired to pursue whatever professional opportunities come their way. But giving Lyons—he of the kindergarten wit and racial/ethnic insensitivity—ready access to a microphone seems akin to giving a pyromaniac ready access to a blowtorch. The end result can only be measured in degrees of tragic.
<strong>4. John Sterling (New York Yankees)</strong>- Granted, every Yankees broadcaster is contractually obligated to report only happy things about the team ("gosh, that cervical collar sure picks up the blue in Carl Pavano's eyes!"). Sterling, however, takes the art of the shill to a new level, both in his blowhard hosting of YES Network extravaganzas like "Yankeeography: Joe Cowley" and his sad attempts to tag players with nicknames (Jason "The Giambino" Giambi). If we encountered him on the street, we'd pummel him with our shoe until he bleeds from the ears.
<strong>3. Mark Grace (Arizona Diamondbacks)</strong>- The only way Grace could appear more desperate for in-game giggles would be if he donned a lampshade for the duration of his time on the air. He labels every other hit a "slumpbuster" and root-root-roots for the home team (in his words, the "Never-Say-Die-mondbacks"). If tripe like this truly adds "color" to a baseball broadcast, sign us up for a black and white world.
<strong>2. Chris Berman (ESPN)</strong>- You like nicknames, eh? Well, how about this one: Chris "For the Love of God, Reign in the Puns and Lyrics From 1970s Songs" Berman. Despite much evidence to the contrary—Deadspin.com deserves a Peabody Award for its contributions to Berman Revisionism—he still seems to believe that his presence lends every event added cachet. Really, the only way in which he's bigger than the game is literally.
<strong>1. Tim McCarver (Fox)</strong>- Here's how Tim McCarver might go about explaining the central premise of this feature: "See here, Maxim.com is writing about bad baseball announcers, a group that includes the baseball announcers who aren't good. What Maxim is doing, I think, is compiling a list—a series of names or other items written or printed together in a meaningful grouping or sequence so as to constitute a record—of the announcers who are lousy, poor, or inferior, if you will. So essentially, what they're trying to do is 'list' baseball's 'bad' announcers, in a list-like format."
<strong>9. David Justice (YES Network)</strong>- Perhaps the only announcer for whom it's not entirely clear if English is his primary language.
<strong>8. Thom Brennaman (Fox/Cincinnati Reds)</strong>- He loves to scold, especially those players who gaze a smidgen too longingly at the moon shots they just launched into the ozone. Also, he's frequently—what's the word we're looking for here?—wrong. Last year, for example, he identified the rapidly slowing Brady Clark as one of the game's speedier players. Brennaman's prim, judgmental approach would seem a particularly good fit for the Miss America pageant.
<strong>7. Ron Santo (Chicago Cubs)</strong>- We're trying to think what a Cubbie player would have to do in order to prompt even a mild scolding by Santo. Assault an umpire with a batting helmet? Expose his nether regions to a Girl Scout? Light a bonfire behind third base? In Santo's mind, it's always sunny in Chicago.
<strong>10. Ralph Kiner (New York Mets)</strong>- He only appears semiregularly on Mets broadcasts nowadays. Which is a shame, as we'd love to hear his garbled pronunciations of new Met reliever Ambiorix Burgos ("Amburger Burger") or former Metsie prospect Yusmeiro Petit ("Yosemite Pet Tit").
<strong>6. Ken "Hawk" Harrelson (Chicago White Sox)</strong>- Any Hawk b'cast may or may not feature several of the following catchphrases: "Poof!," "Do some chunkin'," "Sit back, relax, and strap it down," "He's getting ridden hard and put away wet." No, they don't make any more sense within the context of a game. You gotta love how he shuts his trap when the Sox are down big, though. Maybe he's napping?