July 30, 2007
Jake "the Snake" Roberts
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 1 to 1
Why he should be dead: Twenty-plus years of power slams and suplexes weren't enough punishment for Jake the Snake, so he went and got himself turnbuckled by crack and alcohol. Now he's off the substances and into the Bible, so even if he dies soon, it's cool.
How he'll die: We picture Jake going down for the big sleep at home alone, where his snake will consume his lifeless husk in one jaw-stretching gulp. Sad, but appropriate.
The Ultimate Warrior
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 20 to 1
Why he should be dead: For the better part of the late '90s, we actually thought the Warrior (his legal name since 1993) was dead. His disappearance from the ring sparked countless rumors of his demise, but the man once known as Jim "Justice" Hellwig is still alive and delivering rant-filled speeches to directionless college kids all over the country. The clip proves his brain is mostly dead, so his (probably) steroid-riddled body can't be far behind.
How he'll die: Years spent screaming at the top of his lungs and tying off his joints to make his veins pop result in an explosive brain aneurysm during one of The Warrior's tirades.
The Iron Sheik
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 5 to 1
Why he should be dead: As Howard Stern fans already know, the Sheik has a bit of a drinking problem, along with a volatile temper that makes Ron Artest look like John Stockton?in short shorts. Plus, we're pretty sure there's nothing but tumors underneath that mustache.
How he'll die: We're guessing bear attack. It's a long shot, but given the unlikely circumstances that have taken the lives of other professional wrestlers, it's not entirely unreasonable.
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 8 to 1
Why he should be dead: We were shocked to find out that Nature Boy was born in 1949 rather than the late 1800s. It's obvious that he still has all the style and charisma that made him a legend, but he's also spent more time in the sun than the pyramids. Skin isn't supposed to be bright orange, unless it's on top of a delicious bowl of macaroni and cheese.
How he'll die: Flair will tragically choke to death in a feather boa accident. During the autopsy, doctors will find that his skin was replaced with that of a beanbag around 1989.
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: Even when Dusty was in his prime, his man boobs suggested that the American Dream spent as much time with Bit-O-Honeys as he did with barbells. Now that he has no reason to exercise, he has a regular seat in every rib joint south of Delaware.
How he'll die: Can you overdose on barbecue sauce? If anyone can find out, it'll be Dusty.