Everyone's favorite alien-expounding, psychiatry-bashing church of the stars is joining stock car racing. Scientology will sponsor the Dianetics Racing Team¿named for the book by founder L. Ron Hubbard¿in weekly races at local tracks in California.
The Scientologists claim they have hired Kenton Gray to be their driver, but I suspect they have some sort of plan involving thetans, the Today show, and Tom Cruise's baby's placenta to summon Cole Trickle out of the Days of Thunder DVD and into a real-life race car. So how would Trickle fare against 2006 competition? I put him head-to-head with another California-born early-1990s racing prodigy, Jeff Gordon.
 |
 |
| Trickle |
Gordon |
PREVIOUS RACING HISTORY
|
| Trickle |
Gordon |
| Sprint cars, two-time World of Outlaws champ, ASA late models. |
Busch Series rookie of the year, USAC midgets champ, three-time quarter-midget national champion. |
| Advantage: Gordon |
OWNER
|
| Trickle |
Gordon |
| Tim Daland, car dealer whose race shop is an old barn. |
Rick Hendrick, car dealer who owns three top-level teams (plus Brian Vickers' car) and a state-of-the-art race shop in Charlotte. |
| Advantage: Gordon |
CREW CHIEF
|
| Trickle |
Gordon |
| Harry Hogge, grizzled veteran who can build top-level cars in an old barn and enjoys ice cream at the track. |
Ray Evernham, Brian Whitesell, Robbie Loomis, Steve Letarte, whoever Hendrick hires after Letarte gets released due to unrealistic expectations. |
| Advantage: Trickle |
NEMESIS
|
| Trickle |
Gordon |
| Russ Wheeler, the new hotshot driver who took his ride. |
Everyone who lives in the South. |
| Advantage: Gordon |
REVENGE
|
| Trickle |
Gordon |
| Wrecking Wheeler during a victory lap. |
Two-handed "shove" to chest of Matt Kenseth. |
| Advantage: Trickle (Gordon actually loses a point for girliness of shove) |
GIRL
|
| Trickle |
Gordon |
| Dr. Claire Lewicki, a neurosurgeon who is way too young to have actually finished undergrad, let alone med school. |
Ingrid Vandebosch, who should put to death all idiotic "Jeff Gordon is gay" rumors. |
| Advantage: Gordon |
SCANDAL
|
| Trickle |
Gordon |
| Fighting in pits cost team sponsorship opportunity. |
Got a little cranky with a cameraman when his plane made an emergency landing. |
| Advantage: Trickle |
CAREER HIGHLIGHT
|
| Trickle |
Gordon |
| Winning the Daytona 500 with a Bill Davis Racing–like car. |
Four championships, 73 victories. |
| Advantage: Trickle |
And the winner is¿
The steering Scientologist slingshots past the rainbow warrior into Victory Lane, 4–3.
