About a week ago, Axe body spray invited me to go to the X-games in Los Angeles, for a weekend of partying and watching people do athletic stuff while you're hungover. Here is my account.
As soon as I got to the hotel, my photographer said, "let me get a picture of you working," to which I responded, "Oh, I'm not working, I'm...
.. drawing a picture of a guy taking a shit in front of a Denny's."
They took us on a hike up into the Hollywood Hills. I bought a star map, and right here I'm pointing because I found Scott Baio's house.
Then this guy heard me and came up and said "That's not Scott Baio's house." We spent the next ten minutes arguing about where Scott Baio lives, which I'm sure many an early 90s playmate has done the morning after getting wasted and banging him, but forgetting her purse at his house.
This was just as we got to the X-games. The X-Games caters to a bunch of different types of people. For example, there are some people here who look like this girl below:
And then there are a lot of people who look like this guy...
Oh yeah. I think he sort of looks like Hurley, from Lost, if he had a drinking problem and had gone through the shame or having to register as a sex offender.
The first thing we watched was the dirt bike races. Right after this picture was taken, that guy going off that jump in the middle of the frame ate shit and fell super hard and lied on the ground for about forty seconds before he got up, and this fat 50-year-old dude in front of me goes "get up you bitch."
This was the street skateboarding finals. In the red shirt is Ryan Sheckler, who's sponsored by Axe, among others. He ate shit after jumping that flight of stairs and had to be helped off. If you want to know how popular this kid is with teenage chicks, I'll say this, you could hear the collective sound of 1000 eighteen year old vaginas simultaneously drying up as he left the stadium.
This was a moto-cross race that started in the parking lot and ended in the stadium. People lined up around the track to watch it and it kind of reminded me of the tour de france, except there weren't any French people trying to spit on any of the American riders.
As this kid was posing for this picture, his dad goes "get up in there boy!" It's father-son moments like those I miss.
After the X-Games, Axe took us to this club in Hollywood. The girl not wearing pants is our waitress, and that light saber thing she's carrying is what they bring out when you order a bottle of champagne. It's basically so rich dudes can let people know they're rich, without having to say, "I'm rich." Even though every rich dude in L.A. says that every four seconds. And if you're wondering if the "I'm rich!" light saber worked to get chicks interested....
It did. Sort of. Not really. But there were still an amazing amount of hot chicks in this club, like the one below:
This picture was taken right after she asked me "Is this your bottle of champagne" and I responded with "Not really, it's actually -" and I didn't even get to finish that statement before she turned around.
Every single woman in L.A. will pose for anyone who has a camera, on the oft chance that you're somebody. My photographer didn't even say who he was, he just pointed the camera and she burst into a pose.
The next morning I was super hungover. The kind of hungover you get where your puke and shit start to look the same. But I awoke to find that Axe had delivered signed Ryan Sheckler skateboards to all of us, which was cool. In case you're still not sure who Ryan Sheckler is, just watch this: