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| "I'm telling you for the last time, the beard is real. Go ahead, pull on it." |
Pittsburgh at Denver
Pittsburgh's Key to Victory: Make Jake play football
If the Steelers play like the Pats did against the Broncos (eleventeen fumbles, a hundredteen interceptions) then Denver won't have to do anything to come away with a victory. But, if the Steelers don't turn the ball over ever other play and can manage to stop Denver's running game, then we'll get to see if Jake the One-Eyed Trouser Snake can stand on his own shaft and win a game. He didn't have to do much against the Pats, but if Pittsburgh was able to completely befuddle the Colts, just think of what they could do to the Broncos inconsistent offense. Before all you mile-high morons write in and tell me how great the Broncos are, take a moment, look deep inside your heart and ask yourself if you feel completely confident in Jake's "abilities." After shuddering and answering "no", sew up your chest, you need your blood to stay inside your body if you want to live.
Denver's Key to Victory: Protect Ya Neck
Pittsburgh beat the ass off the pants of Indy's offensive line. If they're able to get to Jake, then it'll be a long hard day for the Mile High Club (even longer and harder than usual). So, to counteract Blitzburgh's oncoming rush, I suggest the Broncos place their entire team (kickers included) on their O-line to shore up any holes that little Polamalu's may squeak through. If the refs throw a flag for too many men on the field, just tell them you're the Colts. They'll give you a wink and let you proceed penalty-free.
Game Ball Goes To: Jerome Bettis
After winning the NFL's "Almost The Biggest Douchebag In The History of Football, Yes, Even Bigger Than Ryan Leaf" award, there's no one with more to prove after a win than the Bus. He was a shoelace tackle away from losing his legacy on one play. If he's smart, he should pay Nick Harper's wife's bail and get her a whetstone and a copy of "Stabbing My Husband For Dummies" for her birthday.
Game's Balls Go To: Jake The One-Eyed Trouser Snake
Yes, he had a good year. But I still don't trust a man who A) is considered good only because he's not lobbing four interceptions a game and B) hides his face behind a big pile of hair. If Jake proves himself and is able to put his team, like his mullet, on his shoulders and take over a game, then I'll be the first one to congratulate him. Well, not the first one, that'll be his long lost hair stylist.
Final Score: Pittsburgh 27 Denver 16
Carolina at Seattle
Carolina's Key to Victory: I Don't Care
The only people who care about this game are eight year olds, fucktards and eight year old fucktards. I love football, but this game offers little in the way of excitement. Carolina will keep throwing to one guy and Seattle will keep doing whatever the hell it is they do (rain?). I could pretend to care, but it's just not going to happen.
Seattle's Key to Victory: Can't Be Bothered
If Seattle really want to become winners, then maybe they should get an identity. They're not smashmouth, they're not a defensive juggernaut, they're not high scoring. But they are boring as screw. So they've got that going for them.
Game Ball Goes To: Steve Smith? Shaun Alexander? Concussions?
Boooring.
Game's Balls Go To: Knock knock?
Who's there?
Cares?
Cares who?
Who cares?
Final Score: Seattle 24 Carolina 20