Yo momma let you leave the clubhouse looking like that? Damn.
<strong>10. Miami Dolphins, alternate home jersey (current)</strong>- A quick glance at the tangerine tint and mint-green accents would prompt one to suggest that these unis were designed by a roomful of developmentally delayed schoolchildren. But really: Who would give those kids access to needles, thread, and fabric samples? They're not even allowed to use straws without adult supervision.
<strong>9. Cleveland Indians, mid-1970s</strong>- Sure, folks were saying, doing, and ingesting some totally wacky things during the '70s, as witnessed by the brisk chart ascent of Wild Cherry. But Bianca Jagger herself couldn't pull off the red-on-red getup Duane Kuiper, Rick Waits, and their teammates were forced— presumably at knifepoint—to don.
<strong>8. Hartford Whalers, circa 1982</strong>- The striped pants were one of many logical disconnects about the Whalers—the most startling of which is that, at some point in the history of humanity, the franchise actually existed.
<strong>7. Houston Astros, circa 1977</strong>- Perhaps the sole sports uniform best enjoyed under the influence of mild hallucinogenic agents. You gotta dig the strategic use of what the Gulden's marketing folks would call "golden brown" hues, though.
<strong>11. Toronto Raptors, circa 2001</strong>- Two words: Satan's jammies.
<strong>5. Detroit Pistons, circa 1999</strong>- The American people have been known to wear clogs and five-inch-wide cravats, yet they turn up their noses at turquoise-tinted, flaming-equine jersey motifs? Hypocrites.
<strong>6. Minnesota Vikings, current home jerseys</strong>- We'd describe the team and its ever-purple threads as the on-field apogee of violaceous resplendence…that is, if we had the slightest idea what "apogee," "violaceous," or "resplendence" meant.
<strong>4. Cincinnati Bengals, circa 1980</strong>- Stripes on the helmet. Stripes about the torso. Stripes along the thighs. So many stripes. Dreaming of stripes. Stripes everywhere. Stripes.
<strong>3. Andre Agassi, every match until he became a "Zen Master"</strong>- Andre was a lot more fun when he used to show up at the U.S. Open looking like a paintball refugee, wasn't he?
<strong>2. Chicago White Sox, 1960s/1970s/1980s…hell, let's just call it a lifetime achievement award</strong>- Say, is that a uniform number placed just south of your groin, or are you just glad to see us? Hoy-o! The test-pattern-ish horizontal bars, the semi-futuristic lettering, the collar-and-short-sleeve "special" jerseys (special in the same way that Ralph Wiggum is special)… After all this, they should take a page out of the Yankee handbook: one home jersey, one away jersey, and no special dispensation for those afternoons when David Wells or another self-appointed old-schooler feels like accessorizing his garb with either a game-worn Babe Ruth undergarment or a lobster bib.
<strong>1. Vancouver Canucks, circa 1981</strong>- If there is a God, Joan Rivers and Mr. Blackstone will be consigned to wearing these brown and orange, V-festooned monstrosities for all eternity.