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Steaming Hot Buns

Don’t get us wrong – we have nothing against burgers (except our faces, when we fall asleep in White Castle at 4AM). But that doesn’t mean we’re afraid to fuck with the format and create something good and weird for when beer turns our appetite into insanity. This summer, we’re all about the following monstrosities:

The Luther Burger
Allegedly invented by rotund soul singer Luther Vandross, these 1,500 calorie beasts simply replace the traditional bun with a couple of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts. Probably the only burger that’s really good when accompanied with a coffee, it’s also a statement meal that says to the world, “I literally couldn’t give two shits about the concept of dignity.” Still – just look at the thing and tell us you’re not drooling.

The Bacon Cheeseburger
“Wait, what? What’s so Goddamn wacky about a bacon cheeseburger, you dickless nerds?” we hear you cry. Well, firstly, there’s no need to be like that about it. And secondly, here’s what’s so wacky: the patty itself is made of ground-up bacon! Yeah, that’s right. Several pounds of bacon, ground, molded into a patty and fried: it’s the dream! If you dream about that sort of thing. Which we do.

The Pizza Burger
“Well now you’re just fucking with us, dude! We’ve had a pizza burger before, and it’s just Goddamn mozzarella cheese on a Goddamn burger! We should just kill you in the face with death right now!” we hear you cry once more. Well, for the second time – whoa there, tiger, it’s time to lay off the steroids and maybe ask someone nearby for a cuddle. The pizza burger we’re talking about is a burger so big that the only suitable bun is two pepperoni pizzas. That’s right. Chew on that deliciousness, buddy.

The Grilled Cheese Burger
If donuts seemed a little too healthy as a bun replacement, how about using two grilled cheese sandwiches instead? That’s what the enterprising and possibly psychotic folks at the Mossy Creek Café in Fisherville, Virginia have done with their infamous “Chubby Melt”. This is less a burger than, as Maxim Associate Editor Jesse Brukman would say, “a cheese delivery system”.

Deep Fried Burgers
Fine, forget donuts, forget grilled cheese sandwiches – let’s go the Scottish route and just deep-fry the whole burger. The Scots’ method sees two patties glued together with cheese, plastered with batter and then deep fried in boiling oil until golden. Much like Britain’s ever-popular battered sausage, it’s eaten without the bun, scarfed down while it’s still dripping pools of fat and so hot that you lose the lining of your throat, while erupting meaty fire every time you burp for the next eight hours.