Fat Face
Head MicroGel Monster, $160
Lowdown: This 9.9 oz. racket boasts the test's largest head (102 square inches), silicone gel in the frame to cushion impact, and a torsion bar in the neck for additional stability--all features that help even the wildest players keep the ball in the court.
Speed: Fast. Our amateur testers' serves averaged 68.75 mph, the second highest.
Accuracy: Low. Testers averaged a strike ratio of just 10 percent at the flat Federer. "I want him to feel my pain but I can't hit him," said one.
Smash: Tops. Five blows on a hard court left only scratches on the racket."Am I not a man?" he said. Then the Monster finally cracked on swing six.
Verdict: This Head is fast and durable, ideal for the player who craves a speedier serve and has anger management issues.

Small Wonder
Yonex RQiS- 1 Tour, $209
Lowdown: The choice of the number one-ranked (and supersexy) Ana Ivanovic features a squarish frame, which theoretically embiggens its sweet spot. It's targeted toward advanced players who can handle its smaller (95-square-inch) frame.
Speed: Ok, at just a freeway-legal 65 mph.
Accuracy: Decent. Testers gave Federer some nice hits. "Roger looks like a little flat out there," said one triumphant tester.
Smash: Strong. After three strikes on the ground the warped racket showed give but still has some life to live, though it began to resemble a Möbius strip. After the sixth spike, we had to retire her.
Verdict: "The face isn't big, which doesn't favor your average player," observed one tester. "It's small and tight. Some guys like that." Those guys being, um, better players.

Balanced Attack
Prince of 03 Speedport Black, $220
Lowdown: Thanks to aerodynamic holes puncturing the frame, Prince claims this racket slices through the air 24 percent faster than traditional ones. That means more power, whether you play like Andy Roddick or Andy Dick.
Speed: Fastest. Our testers averaged 70.3 mph serves. "The 'swhoosh' sound this racket makes is badass," said one.
Accuracy: Tops. "F#@$ Federer!" said one tester. Three of our testers were most accurate using the Speedport, and our cardboard pal sustained damage to the face and groin.
Smash: Pathetic. On the first whack, the frame broke in three places. We blame otherwise ingenious holes.
Verdict: Winner! Assuming you don't have IIie Nastase's temper, it's a dream. Said one tester: The ball jumps off the rackets and goes where you want it."



OUR SCIENTIFIC METHOD
1. Speed
Our four testers fired serves toward a radar gun. Speeds were averaged.

2. Accuracy
We smashed volleyballs at the smirking face of a life-size Roger Federer cutout.

3. Durability
In a fit of McEnroeian, self serving rage, we whacked rackets until they shattered.