BABE FACTORY
Republic (828 S. Peters St., republic nola.com)
If you live in Old Metairie or the West Bank—’burbs of New Orleans —this is where the just-of-drinking-age hotties cross the bridges to test out their new spandex mini-dresses and six-inch heels, away from Mom and Pop’s disapproving eyes. The two-story, 7,000-square-foot warehouse of dirty dancing is also where savvy local shop girls come to circle those upstairs VIP banquettes, accommodating some of the city’s more eligible bachelors. The bottle service may seem “a bit much” for this town. But Republic is ultimately a democracy: It boasts some of the most mixed crowds in the city. No, this is not your grandfather’s New Orleans.

HORNIEST CLUBS
Coming here without seeing live music is like going to Amsterdam and passing up the hash brownies. If you want to hear traditional New Orleans jazz—don’t call it Dixieland (that’s what white dudes in straw hats play on the ferryboat in Disney World)—head to the Palm Court Jazz Cafe (1204 Decatur St.), a tiled-floor club with an oak bar and purist combos. The Faubourg Marigny is Jazz Central, and hipster hangout d.b.a. (618 Frenchman St.) hits all the right notes (great name-brand acts, great-looking crowd). But our favorite is the Spotted Cat (623 Frenchman St.), a sweaty little hole that squeezes in squeezebox lovers. Must-see: blues wizard Washboard Chaz. Uptown way, don’t let the crowd that nightly spills out of legendary storefront tavern the Maple Leaf Bar (8316 Oak St.) stop you from catching the wild-man funk, R&B, jazz, zydeco, and electric blues, rocking the bar’s stage and shaking the hammered-tin ceiling; Tuesday night is owned by the rollicking Rebirth Brass Band (arrive early). Snug Harbor (626 Frenchman St.) is the place for Neville Brothers sightings (Aaron’s the one with that mole). If you’re in a spiritual mood—or you just feel like hitting the lanes—roll over to the Rock N’ Bowl (4133 S. Carrollton Ave.), whose owner, a fervent Catholic, returned from a pilgrimage to Medjugorje in the former Yugoslavia after making a petition to the Virgin Mary to help him financially take care of his family. When he returned he was asked if he wanted to buy a bowling alley, which he did, and turned it into a successful music club. He built it, and they came.

FRIENDLIEST STRIP CLUB
Rick’s Cabaret (315 Bourbon St., ricks.com)
Like dive bars, flesh factories are abundant here, ranging from the spectacular to the terrifying. Rick’s is the best of the former, boasting a fun, non-creepy vibe and the hottest girls we’ve seen. Bonus: Instead of forcing you to buy them a $20 drink and a $100 lap dance, they will sit and chat and “even make you laugh.” Yeah, that’s why you’re there—to make a new friend!

HOTTEST SPOT FOR MARDI GRAS SEX
Under the Bleachers in Lafayette Square
Nothing like getting frisky beneath the butts of hundreds of drunk, oblivious tourists—trust us. As they focus on the floats passing by on St. Charles Avenue, you’ll be focusing on more carnal pursuits. Hey, it’s Mardi Gras! No one’ll notice a thing.

SWEETEST SPOT TO MAKE UP WITH HER
Sucré (3025 Magazine St., shopsucre.com)
You really shouldn’t have made out with your girlfriend’s boozed-up BFF. But this is the place to make it all better with your sweet-toothed sweetheart the next day. See! You really are a refined gentlemen, choosing this newcomer confectionary and dessert room—quite the little modernist jewel box in the honky-tonk fray. Now, back to being a dick!

SEXIEST SHACK-UP SPOT
The Columns Hotel (3811 Saint Charles Ave., thecolumns.com)
This anything-goes 19-room Italiante mansion, fronted by gigantic columns, is the place to stay or drink for anyone who’s ever dreamed of living above a saloon. Wealthy young pros and Tulane students cram the front porch and the 14-foot-ceilinged mahogany barrooms adorned with satanic-looking trophy heads. You feel a sense of entitlement strutting down the grand, spiraling staircase from your hotel room, right into Party Central.