The Barista Buster
The tattooed counter girl at your coffee shop is burning you, and it’s not just the $5 lattes! We recommend shacking up with the Nescafé Dolce Gusto, a single-cup machine that likewise makes a killer cup but won’t give you STDs. The little coffee-bot serves a full drink menu, from espressos to Americanos to lattes. Stock up on Nescafé’s proprietary pods and start slinging your own, son! $170, dolce-gusto.com

The Killer Shot
We give Francis Ford Coppola’s latest creation, the Francis Francis! x7, two twitchy thumbs up. Even if you’re still asleep, you’ll be pulling perfect crema-topped espresso shots seconds after you roll out of bed, thanks to idiotproof design and high-pressure brewing. $400, amazon.com

The Purist
Control freak? Insufferable coffee geek? If youwant the ideal cup, get a Bodum Arabica thermal French press and control brew time and temperature yourself. Its thermal double walls will keep your coffee hot as you contemplate perfection. Alone. $90, williams-sonoma.com

The Perfect Pot
Most standard drip machines tinkle water onto coffee grounds in a single stream, but the Krups KM 4065 has what amounts to a showerhead inside to drench the grounds, ensuring that it’s extracting every last sophisticated taste and caffeine molecule possible. $100, amazon.com

Totally Wired
Is your daily to-go cup o'joe really bringin' the caffeine?
Burger King
Even BK’s amped-up 40 percent-more-caffeine “turbo” brew tests low.

Dunkin’ Donuts
You’re just buzzing because you drank from a cup the size of a bucket.

Tim Hortons
The donut shop’s java is suitably mild, like the Canadian temperament!

Caribou Coffee
The ’bou’s brew makes trucker speed look tame. That’s the stuff!

Starbucks
A grande packs 330milligrams of caffeine. Heart attack in a cup!