So you’re Motown-bound for the Big Dance April 4–6? Not to worry! Detroit offers much more than just a struggling auto industry and one of the nation’s highest murder rates. From awe­some strip clubs to amazing indie rock venues and colossal casinos, this Rust Belt capital is a blue-collar bastion of after-dark debauchery. So when you’re not sitting courtside, use this handy guide to quench all your Detroit-related desires…except your plan to get free drinks by pretending you’re Tito Jackson. We’ve already tried, and it doesn’t work!

THE DIVE BAR
The Old Miami (pictured above)
Once the haunt for local heroes Iggy Pop and the Stooges, this swillery was opened in 1975 by Dan Overstreet as a hangout for his fellow Nam vets. Note: The Miami’s décor—fading military bric-a-brac, walls of peeling bumper stickers—is the real deal, not ordered from a catalog. Old and new sol­-diers, punk rockers, and assorted alcoholics jam the place for $2.50 cans of Milwaukee’s Best and $3 pints of Motor City Ghetto Blaster ale. The bar’s credo: “Gettin’ everyone drunk.” Sold! (313)831-3830

THE STRIP CLUB
Cheetah’s of Windsor
Just a five-minute cab ride from Ford Field lies the wondrously depraved paradise that is Windsor, Ontario, which boasts a drinking age of 19, legal prostitution (as long as it’s in a hotel room), fatty Cuban cigars in ample supply, and a bevy of all-nude jiggle joints. Dubbed “the Windsor Ballet,” this cluster of strip clubs offers “full contact” lap grinding. We like Cheetah’s, with its unusually hot girls and largely disease-free bargain-rate private rooms. cheetahsofwindsor.com


THE INDIE ROCK CLUB
The Magic Stick
From the White Stripes to the Dirtbombs, every band from Detroit’s storied garage-rock scene has jammed at this pool hall-cum-indie rock mecca. (This is the spot where Jack White infamously beat down rival local rocker and Von Bondies frontman Jason Stollsteimer.) On any given night, the Stick hosts earsplitting, MC5-inspired local acts alongside national headliners. Says Ben Blackwell, the Dirtbombs’ drummer, “It’s the place to hear loud-ass music any night of the week.” majesticdetroit.com

THE HIP-HOP HAVEN
Saint Andrew’s Hall
If you’ve seen 8 Mile, this crucible of Detroit hip-hop needs no introduction. For everyone else, SAH is the ghetto-fabulous venue where Eminem earned his MC battle cred, launching his career and marking his string of doomed marriages to what’s-her-name. Located in arguably the worst ’hood in the U.S., this three-floor club is a sea of nonstop booty shaking on the weekends. Tip: Leave your nunchucks at home—no-neck bouncers give full pat-downs at the door. Hot! livenation.com


THE CASINO
Caesars Windsor
Just a drunken stumble from Windsor’s strip of sin is this 100,000-square-foot gambling mecca. Odds are the same as in Vegas, the sports book has private flat-screen booths, and unnervingly attractive French-Canadian waitresses deliver free booze whether you win or lose. But wait, there’s more! Caesars is hosting daily no-limit Texas Hold ’Em tournaments in April to ensure you leave town totally broke. Hey, worst case, you pick up a shift at Cheetah’s, right? caesarswindsor.com