PC You
It’s midway through freshman year, and the only thing you’ve stared at more than girls on treadmills is your laptop screen. So you might as well upgrade to a notebook with an awesome one, like Gateway’s MC series, which has an ultrabright 16-inch full-glass display. The 16:9 screen is wider than most on the market, which makes this machine ideal for multitasking—watching movies and keeping Facebook open next to a blank Microsoft Word doc. Its HDMI port will even link to your roommate’s plasma, so you can watch your GPA crumble in HD. $1,000, Gateway.com

Finger Prince
Touchscreens, like the one on the iPhone, use electrical impulses from your skin to figure out where you push. Normal gloves render your digits useless, but Dots gloves solve the problem with conductive metal specks. Pretend you’re Magneto! $15–$20, Dotsgloves.com


Vaporization Nation
Golly, the Digital Volcano Vaporizer sure looks cool. Too bad we have no idea what this German instrument does. But trust us, just rip out this page and convince the heir in your dorm to order one. $669, thevolcanovaporizer.com

Touch Down
BlackBerries were once the go-to gadget for rifling off mission-critical business e-mails at 4 a.m. With the advent of the touchscreen Storm, they will become the go-to gadget for sending mission-critical booty texts and illicit photo messages. $TBA, verizonwireless.com

You Boob Tube
The bawdy antics of your college years will never fade if you record them with the Kodak Zi6, a pocket-size cam that records up to 32 GB of video. Its futureproof 720p HD footage will even look crisp on your grandkids’ hologram walls. $180, kodak.com


Pen Ultimate
If Adderall binges aren’t cutting it as study aids, the Livescribe Smartpen is for you. It records audio as you take notes on proprietary paper, then syncs the sound with your notes. Later you can point the pen at your writing, and the professor’s rants on a phallocentric world will play back in their man-hating glory. $199, Livescribe.com

Pack In Time
Ironically, book bags have gotten bigger over the years even as our need for carrying physical books has ceased. The JanSport Heritage Series bucks the trend with compact ca. 1980 designs that’ll fit a Macbook Air and some pop rocks. $155, Jansport.com