Late-Night Tightrope Walker
Jimmy Fallon
You’re taking over Conan O’Brien’s seat this year. How have you been preparing?
Drinking raw eggs in the morning, pounding frozen sides of beef, yelling at my wife’s brother Paulie, running up steps someplace in Philly, sculpting a statue of myself, studying Clubber Lang films, and getting arrested in Australia for possession of steroids.

Is there anything you can tell us about how you’ll put your stamp on Late Night?
Let me put it this way. I’ve told one person. They went mad.

Is your show going to be the bee’s knees or the cat’s pajamas?
Neither. It’s going to be “the horse’s foreskin.”

What celebrity do you pray does not wind up on your couch this year?
Definitely not Dr. Lincoln Wolfenstein. By primarily concentrating on connecting theoretical physics to experimental observations, his work on weak interaction has, in my opinion, tainted his studies on the presence of electrons in Earth and solar matter and their effect on neutrino prop­agation. MSW effect or not, for a particle phenomenologist to focus solely on neutrino oscillation in matter…I mean, c’mon, bro. You don’t bring that shit to my house.

What are you most looking forward to in 2009?
Hair plugs.

You clearly know how to party. Any tips for readers on proper New Year’s Eve etiquette?
Always bring apology notes to a party in the event that you black out on Jägermeister and throw an ottoman through a window.

What are you least looking forward to sacrificing in order to keep up with your new rigorous schedule?
All-night crunchfests with Mario Lopez.

Hottest Lap
Danica Patrick
For three years Danica Patrick had more than held her own in the Indy Racing League, but her detractors always had a trump card: When is she gonna win a race? She shut them up in 2008. Patrick took the checkered flag at the Indy Japan 300 for her first victory—and the first victory for a woman behind the wheel of an IRL car. “When I saw her initially, it was just like any other driver getting that first win,” says Jack Arute, an ESPN analyst for 25 years and the first person to interview Patrick after her victory. “Then her mom got there, and an emotional avalanche occurred. She’d been dealing with those gender issues for most of her career, and she was relieved that the questions would now be over. She’d done something no woman had ever done.” To celebrate she unzipped her racing suit and...OK, no she didn’t. But, God, that would have been awesome. This year, besides raking in heaps and heaps of sponsorship dough, Danica has her eyes set on the ultimate prize. “My goal is always to win the Indianapolis 500,” she says. “I don’t know if there’s a bigger goal in motor sports.” Hear that, fellas? Danica’s coming for you fast.

Most Useful Accessory
GPS Chip
Attention, fashionistas: The must-have style item south of the border is the size of a grain of rice, encased in crystal, and costs four grand. But trust us, it is worth every peso. With kidnapping rates in Mexico up a whopping 40 percent in the past few years, thousands of affluent trendsetters are having GPS chips implanted in their arms so they can be easily tracked by el fuzz when they are inevitably abducted. Viva la fashion!

Highest Track Marks
New Music Anticipation-O-Meter!
Eminem • We’re hoping it comes out this year so we can settle our bet on which relative he’ll fantasize about chopping up.

Pearl Jam • We get a contact high just thinking about it

Wilco • Expect, as always, a reinvention—and songs to back it up.

Interpol • Rock’s dark knights unlikely to go soft, making our eardrums wish they were never born.

Lily Allen • Adorable scamp to bring sunshine and cursing into our lives.