Craziest Playing Field Unleveled
The Cowboys’ New Billion-Dollar Ranch
With their brand-spankin’-new enormodome of a stadium, the most hated/loved franchise in sports is either taking that old “everything is bigger in Texas” maxim to heart or Jerry Jones is overcompensating for an incredibly small penis. The billion-dollar behemoth is set to open in time for the Boys' 2009 campaign. So just what does a $1.3 billion price tag get you?

• Dubbed “Jerry World,” the stadium will accommodate up to 100,000 10-gallon-hat wearing, yippee-ki-yaying fanatics.
• Two 180-by-120-foot retractable glass doors for the ol’ in and out…
• 286 concession stands, to load up on beer, hot links, and brisket.
• 1,600 toilets to help fans dispose of all that beer.
• You think you’re hot shit with that 48-inch flat-screen in the den? The new stadium comes equipped with a 600-ton, 180'x50' LCD screen hanging midfield, as well as this bad boy at the door.
• 200 luxury suites for all the down-home rootin’, tootin’ good ol’ boys who can afford the $100K–$500K price tag.
• A ceiling so high that the Statue of Liberty could stand inside without torching the roof. Wait, the Statue of Liberty is alive? Run!
• An even bigger version of the Cowboys’ famed “hole in the roof,” so God can see every fumble.

Priciest Mistake Remover
Pharrell’s Flesh
Laser tattoo removal is for the poors. Hip-hop producer Pharrell Williams is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to have a company in North Carolina grow him new skin in a lab, which he’ll then have surgically placed over his current slate of outdated tats. “It’s basically like getting a skin graft, but you’re not taking skin from your ass or your legs,” the painfully rich body art pioneer explained. After the surgery and healing have taken place, Pharrell can move on to phase two of his plan: getting a brand-new batch of stupid tattoos!

Most Hyped Movie Makeovers
Year of the Franchise Reboot
FRIDAY THE 13TH (February 13)
Where it left off: Jason Voorhees emerging from Crystal Lake holding the laughing, severed head of Freddy Krueger in 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason.
What they’re doing to it: Mashing the pivotal events of the first three movies (Jason’s drowning, his mom’s revenge, Jason’s return) into one fun-filled heap.
Big change: Fans with not much else to live for are complaining that the new Jason is “too buff” and is dressed “too hip.”
Silver lining: Stars O.C. alum Amanda Righetti as Whitney, a hot girl who presumably runs around in a tank top screaming.
Will it work? It’s produced by Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes, which also brought us remakes of The Hitcher and The Amityville Horror…so probably not.

STAR TREK (May 8)
Where it left off: An ill-fated mashup between fat, old Kirk and wrinkly Jean-Luc Picard in 1994’s Generations. It went where no man should ever, ever go.
What they’re doing to it: Geek God J.J. Abrams is starting from scratch, following the early careers of the Enterprise officers.
Big change: A whole new crop of actors playing iconic characters, though Leonard Nimoy is rumored to turn up as an older Spock who meets himself thanks to time travel. Mind fuck!
Silver lining: Abrams knows how to do geeky without leaving you crippled with self-loathing.
Will it work? Beam up a nerd boner, Scotty!

TERMINATOR SALVATION (May 22)
Where it left off: The T-X comes back in time to kill John Connor and his future wife, only to be foiled by the original Terminator, who has been reprogrammed to be all nice.
What they’re doing to it: Fast-forward time! It’s 2018 and John Connor (Christian Bale) is leading the humans against Skynet.
Big change: No muscular, liquefied or hot Terminators you’d want to bang.
Silver lining: Batman kicks ass!
Will it work? After seeing footage, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “I wasn’t sure who the Terminator was. I don’t know if there is one or if he’s the star or the hero.” Maybe it was a tumor?