With ESPN 3D destined to be dead and gone by the end of the year, let’s take a look at why the whole concept of 3D sports sucks.
1. You Have To Wear Something To Watch It
The true beauty of having access to sports broadcasts is that you don't have to spend every waking minute staring at the screen. Most times, we're not even interested or invested in the actual game - it's just a pleasant excuse to get wasted with friends while pretending to have a hobby. But who wants to do that while wearing uncomfortable goggles? Not many people, apparently. A study from Murdoch University found that even though people liked the 3D viewing over high definition television, they preferred a medium that required "passive glasses" or something that didn't require them to wear something to actually enjoy it. This makes 3D glasses the school uniform of television programming.
2. The Only People Who Buy 3D TVs Have Never Actually Seen Them
It sounds a little insane, but there are people out there who plunked down twice what they would normally pay for a television, just so they can experience something they haven't actually taken for a test drive. Then again, these people are from the same nation that made the creator of the Snuggie into one of the world's richest people and allowed a Lone Ranger movie to get past the "Eh, it might not suck" stage of development. Unfortunately, people who haven't actually seen a 3D TV in action are often the 3D TV market's biggest buyers, according to a recent Nielsen study. That means that the floor models are either automatically giving people headaches in the short time it takes to look at one, or the guys who are buying them think they'll finally be able to hook up with the girls in the GoDaddy commercials by pulling them out of their TVs the same way they do in their dreams. That also implies some of them might be having sex with their TVs, but we're sure that study won't ever come to light since no one would ever list that as a reason for return on their warranty claim.
3. Giving 3D To A Drunk Sports Fan Is Useless
Alcohol and spectator sports are practically a married couple. Sports are both a cause and an excuse for heavy drinking for an assortment of reasons (the same goes for marriage). Since alcohol blurs your vision, reduces your ability to stay balanced, and turns you into a third tier gymnast with the motor skills of a used Yugo, it already renders your 3D TV into something that's almost completely worthless. A study from North Dakota State University in Fargo, however, officially makes it completely worthless since they found that people who are intoxicated have severely reduced depth perception, the driving force in your eyes that makes 3D images work. So the whole concept is more pointless than opening a Starbucks in the Mormon Tabernacle.
4. Our Eyes Can't Handle It
Watching anything in 3D for an extended period of time can cause some discomfort, since your eyes are being forced to stare at separate pairs of images at once. It's one of the few times in life that we envy people who wear eye patches (and Cyclopses). This isn't limited to people with weakened vision or unfocused eyes: Apparently, if you have a set of working eyeballs, 3D viewing causes visual discomfort, fatigue and headaches, according to the University of California at Berkley. And that's before we've even had a chance to get drunk.
5. You Get to See This in 3D More Than The Cheerleaders
We're mighty lucky to live in these times. We have technologies and access to media and information that were barely a dream in some visionary's imagination even two decades ago. We can not only watch real moments from around the world, or our favorite team winning the big game as it happens in real time, but we can watch it with crystal clear, high definition clarity and even in three-dimensional images. Unfortunately, most of the images that pop out of the screen for 3D sports fans look like the one above. They are quickly followed by beer commercials, because they are a perfect reminder that alcohol can erase such horrifying images over time.
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