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The Aromatic Apocalypse: If Body-Spray Commercials Are Correct

Body-spray commercials have a pretty standard message: If you use the product in question, women will ignore all the rules of society and physics to get their hands on your hot (and presumably pleasant-smelling body). Great, right?

Wrong. If the world promised by body-spray commercials were to ever come true, it would be Hell on earth. Here's why.

5. Women would be mindless almost all of the time. If the mere scent of a nice-smelling man were enough to send females into a violent mating frenzy, the fact that there are roughly an equal number of men and women in the world would mean that chances are, women would be mindless, sex-seeking zombies nearly all of the time. 

4. Men would live in constant fear. In a world where half the population were feral sex-crazed animals who would stop at nothing to get their hands on nice-smelling guys who retain their intelligence, it stands to reason that the latter group would live lives of constant paranoia, never knowing when an aggressive woman getting a whiff of his odor might begin acting erratically, abusively, and potentially dangerously. Men would begin masking their own odors, avoiding situations where they were outnumbered by women, and basing their life decisions on the idea that some woman with a sensitive sense of smell might, at any moment, decide to forcibly make him her mate.

3. It would mean the end of all laws and society as we know it. Eventually, the basic social framework of our modern civilization would break down. From taboos and social mores to fundamental property and criminal laws, there would be total social disintegration from both the instinct-driven women gone wild over what they smell, and the desperate men who will do anything to save their own lives and retain freedom of sexual choice.

2. Earth would turn into a Road Warrior-style landscape, with men living in fortress towns and women ruling the outside world. With no protection from a now-defunct society or its laws, and certainly no mercy from the half of the population that now sees the other half as its sexual prey, men would have no choice but to band together to form unisex compounds in order to save themselves as bands of frustrated, man-hunting females roamed the wilderness. The alternative would be lives of sexual slavery.

1. Perfumers would rule the world. If the primary attribute fertile women were looking for turned out to be a man's scent, it only goes to reason that, over time, evolution would favor those human beings who smelled the best -- and those whose olfactory powers would be powerful and sensitive enough to best navigate the vagaries of a scent-based world. In other words, the entire hierarchy of human society would be rearranged after years of chaos, with only those men who smelled and could smell the best occupying the top tier when civilization finally reconstituted itself.

And who would that be? Why, the perfumers, of course. Would you really want to live in a world where the folks from Pierre Guerlain were in charge of everything?