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10 Things That Will Influence the Outcome of the All-Star Game

On July 12, at Chase Field, Phoenix, AZ, 2011’s All-Star game will take place. And these are the factors that might just affect the result…

1. To add some excitement to the game, commissioner Bud Selig announces that he will grandfather admitted steroid abusers. Jason Giambi, a late add to the NL lineup, hits a long game-winning home run and shows off his shrinking testicles to media after the game.

Jason Gambi


2. Will a strong performance help the mysteriously healthy Jose Reyes get a better contract in his walk year? His agent says, “Yeah!”

Jose Reyes

3. How many All-Stars will party so hard the day before the game that they elect not to leave the Chase Field hot tub in the right field stands by game time?

Chase Field Hot Tub

4. Will Josh Hamilton have a relapse and decide to party instead of play?

Josh Hamilton


5. The decision to let crazy hot University of Arizona softball hurler Jennie Finch, who will pitch in the MLB celebrity softball game, take the mound. Could any major leaguer take their eyes off of Finch long enough to focus on her searing heat in the blazing desert?

Jessie Finch


6. Selig announces that he’s changed his mind about his decade-old ruling that the winner of the All-Star game’s league gets home field advantage for the World Series, after realizes that it’s just an exhibition game. “We already have 162 games that count,” Selig announces. “Let’s have fun with this game and let the players party like Josh Hamilton used to.”

Bud Selig


7. The word is that the American League is going to bring Morganna the Kissing Bandit out of retirement to plant one on Tim Lincecum so he’ll be scratched with an upset stomach.

Morganna the Kissing Bandit

8. No Mets will show up since financially screwed owner Fred Wilpon can’t afford to send any of his players to the desert.

Fred Wilpon

9. “Let’s win one for Nails,” is the National League mantra. The poignant pre-game tribute to con man Lenny Dykstra inspires the NL to take only its second All-Star game in 16 years.

Lenny Dykstra

10. Uber-focused ace of aces Roy Halladay refuses to leave the mound after the first inning. “I can throw at least 100 more pitches,” Halladay says after failing to notice the difference between an All-Star game and a regular season contest.

Roy Halladay