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5 Things You Could Do With Your Life Instead of Watching a Baseball Game

Take a swing at better options!

With Major League Baseball kicking off today (well, really last night (well, really last week)) sports fans all over the country will start a marathon season of watching eye-torturing guys in pajamas swing clubs; don’t be one of them.

5. Watch Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

At a whopping three hours of relief, the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring offers a escape from a regulation baseball game and maybe a couple extra innings. Plus, you can still stay in your sweatpants munching on Doritos, (or maybe you prefer Kirkland jeans and Blisteritos). Whatever the outfit and snack of choice, LOTR has an ending whereas baseball seems to be never-ending.

4. Have a three-hour orgasm.

Photo Courtesy of TLC

Would you complain? Well, maybe you would. This Seattle woman was rushed to the ER—where they still most likely have TVs that play baseball, sorry—with a condition that she could not shake. Although, "too much of a good thing" is something that no one has ever said about baseball. 

3. Read two novels.

Photo: Fredrik Telleus / Maskot / Corbis

Thanks to Spritz, an app made from black magic that makes your brain a word-melting machine, you can read two, yes two, books in three hours. Think about how many nut grabs and pitcher/catcher conferences you’ll thankfully miss! And this is what seems like purely great technology, unless you know, you end up going cross-eyed and the next time you watch baseball you have to watching two games instead of one. Oh the horror.

2. Deprive yourself of sleep.

Photo: Derek Storm / Everett Collection

What better way to get through an agonizing three hour commentator-fest than sleep? Though common knowledge dictates eight hours of sleep night is healthy, top business leaders and executives would tell you that less is more. We're surprised Donald Trump never bought a baseball team for the sleep benefits, because if you own a team you have to show up, and if you show up. And the more you show up and sleep in the dugout, the more successful you'll be.

1. Watch a damn baseball game. What, do you hate freedom?

Photo: Paul Buck / EPA /Landov

While these are all merely hyperbole, baseball is still America’s pastime and if we can continue to pay and fuel multi-million dollar athletes into a steroid arms race, well isn’t that worth watching? We pledge allegiance it is.


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