Gaze into Maxim’s crystal (foot)ball for all your pigskin predictions!
Illustrated by C.J. Burton | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
1. Goodell will be caught swimming in a Scrooge McDuck–like silo of gold.
The NFL makes more than $9 billion in annual revenue, but for some reason 60 percent of players disapprove of the commissioner. Maybe that’s because he made almost $30 million in 2011…over $10 million more than any player. It’s no wonder that when SI named Goodell the most powerful figure in sports, he was shown sitting on the Iron Throne, looking even less sympathetic than King Joffrey. And that ain’t easy.
2. Clay Matthews will be asked where his big-ass hammer is.
Chris Hemsworth makes for a fine Thor, but he’s got nothing on the Packers’ golden-maned sack machine. If Matthews ever grew a flowing ’stache, donned a horned helmet, and joined the Vikings, he could be the first NFL player to double as team mascot. (And just like that, two million Green Bay fans threw up.)
2. Jay Cutler will get hit in the face with a Kielbasa.
Really, all the 61,500 die-hard Bears fans at Soldier Field look for in their players is a little passion, and few players’ faces say passion less than the highly punchable Cutler, who actually requested that fans “quiet the stadium down” when the Bears are in the red zone! Better learn how to duck, homey.
4. Rooney and Kate Mara will get great seats for Super Bowl XLVIII.
The super-foxy Mara sisters are not only, well, super foxy, but Rooney (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo) and Kate (House of Cards) are also NFL royalty: One great-granddad founded the Steelers and another the Giants. With New York hosting this season’s big game, we have to ask: Will either of you marry us?
5. Joe Buck will be approved by the USDA as a geriatric sleep aid.
As the turgid play-by-play announcer of Fox’s “Game You’re Most Likely to Pass Out To of the Week,” Buck has the self-importance of a man describing what’s happening on a screen you watch with your very own eyes, thereby refuting the need for his very existence. Not only that, but after hearing him drone on, we’re positive Buck’s voice has been medically classified as aural Ambien.
6. Referee Ed Hochuli will hunt down that guy in the stands who shouted, “Get new glasses!” and punch him in the face with his triceps.
Football’s populated by big, strong men. Dudes whose calf muscles could house the cast of Little People, Big World. Yet somehow the guy with the most freakish physique is a 62-year-old attorney whose most impressive gridiron achievement was making the all-WAC academic team in 1972. But it’s Ed Hochuli’s control and understanding of the game, and not his biceps, that make him the most popular official since Frank Drebin, er, Enrico Pallazzo, was busting splits in The Naked Gun.
7. Tom Brady will get lost in the gaze of his own reflection.
Mr. Gisele’s propensity for racking up TDs against defenseless opponents and his coddling via the refs make him one of the most loathed players outside the municipal borders of Quincy, Mass. Then again, have you seen the way he rocks a pair of Uggs? God, he’s such a sex castle.
8. Chris Berman will be hospitalized for uncontrollable hooting.
It’s amazing to watch old ESPN footage from back when Boomer was a relatively calm, thoughtful analyst, before his descent into a bumbling, fumbling, nickname-spewing blowhard. Please, just go back, back, back to the old Berman. Or at least shelve that stupid-ass “whooop!” shouty thing you do on SportsCenter.
9. Ndamukong Suh will be the first NFL player flagged for biting an opponent’s testicles on Monday Night Football.
Suh’s been in the NFL only four years, but fellow players have already voted the Lions’ lineman its dirtiest player. Twice. And fans voted him the least likable. That’s what happens when you regularly stomp on your opponents and kick ’em in the genital region. Ndamukong, if you want to get invited to more pool parties, you have to ease back on that shit.
10. Chris Johnson will make you curse yourself for picking him in the first round of your fantasy draft (again).
Titans fans may decry CJ2K for his 2011 contract holdout, but the rest of us hate his guts for being fantasy-football poison. In 2012 he ran for a combined 45 yards over the first three games of the season. Of course, as soon as you put him on the bench, he breaks off a 141-yard performance…followed by a 24-yard shit show right after you start him again. This cycle continues until you dropkick your laptop and swear off fantasy football for good.