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Maxim's 20 NFL Predictions For This Season


11. Tony Romo will cause the citizens of Dallas to slit their wrists in unison.
It’s not that the Cowboys signal caller is a terrible QB, exactly. He’s put up some good numbers, made a few Pro Bowls, and dated his share of hotties. But there’s no one with a better (worse?) record of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory than Romo, which is why his newly signed $108 million contract extension drives Cowboys fans to the brink of suicide. 

12. Bill Belichick will be caught in his basement stitching together a suit made of people.
We know, Bill Belichick has led the Patriots to five Super Bowls since 2002. He's a very good football coach. Maybe even a genius. An evil genius. With his soulless gaze, mumbly voice, and diabolical machinations, you just know that Belichick has a recipe in his notebook for fava beans and Rex Ryan's liver with a nice Chianti. 

13. Dan Snyder Will sue us before we even finish typing this sentend’oh!
The Napoleonic owner of the Redskins has taken front-office shenanigans to near-cartoon-villain heights. The media and fans alike have criticized him for hits including: refusing to develop young players, dismissing coaches who won’t fall in line, outlawing all fan signs at games, suing season ticket holders unable to pay because of the recession, suing a sportswriter, refusing to change his team’s racist name, and giving the finger to a school bus full of nuns. Fine, he may not have done one of those things, but are you really sure which?

14. Mark Sanchez will trademark “Butt Fumble” and become a billionaire in the gay porn industry.
At least he should. It’s gotta be a more relaxing way to live than getting booed by your hometown crowd, battling young-uns for your starting spot, and cameo-ing in your coach’s kinky sex fantasies. 

15. Rob Gronkowski will play a game drunk and still score three touchdowns.
Over the past few off-seasons, it’s become clear that Gronk likes a good time and, as long as he’s putting up TDs, doesn’t give a rat’s ass who cares. The five surgeries, though? You kind of have to give a rat’s ass about those.

16. The Manning Brothers will star in every other commercial airing during NFL broadcasts this year.
Peyton’s got Buick, Gatorade, Papa John’s, DirecTV, and Wheaties, while Eli has Toyota, Kraft, Samsung, Reebok, and Citizen. But given that they make a combined $40 million in salary, we guess they need the cash.

17. Cleatus the Fox Robot will continue to confuse and annoy the piss out of America.
You probably didn’t even realize the thing has a name, but Cleatus is that grating robot that pops up between commercials on Fox. What it does other than that, be­sides look like a CG project your 13-year-old nephew put together on his Nokia phone, we have no idea.

18. J.J. Watt will dispel the whole “White Men Can’t Jump” myth once and for all.
Actually, strike that. The 6'5" 295-pounder put that to rest last year, when he racked up a preposterous 16 passes blocked (thanks to an insane 55-inch vert) on his way to being named Defensive Player of the Year. To quote DLR, might as well jump.

19. Robert Griffin III will cause at least two dozen D.C. residents to suffer cardiac arrests.
Is there a more exciting player than RG3? Last season he set the NFL record for rookie passer rating, won the AP’s Offensive Rookie of the Year, and led the ’Skins to their first division title since 1999. So it’s no wonder that Griffin’s torn ACL was treated as the worst tragedy to befall Washington since Lincoln decided to take in a performance at Ford’s Theatre.

20. Adrian Peterson will snap his femur or something horrible like that and still rush for 200 yards.
If Clay Matthews is the league’s Thor, Adrian Peterson is its Wolverine. How else can you explain his coming back from a shredded knee to lead the NFL in rushing and win the MVP? While AP may not have Wolverine’s adamantium-laced skeleton, he definitely has mutant-like regenerative healing powers. Maybe it’s all those orange peanuts.
 
Illustrations by John Ueland | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013 

Check out George R.R. Martin's Fantasy Football Preview and our interview with James Harden
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