If we want to bring our football worldwide, we’ll have to assimilate.
(Photo: Kristian Sekulic/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013)
As if the American Revolution wasn’t enough, we’ve made our friends across the pond witness Matt Cassel play Big Ben (get it? Like the clock or whatever) at Wembley this weekend. While the stakes weren’t exactly high (unless you consider winning a single game by the quarter-mark of the season high), the cross-the-pond NFL game was a success. So we’re giving the NFL some ideas for expansion to other countries, because you know what they say – money is green in all countries. (Ed’s Note: It’s not. And nobody says that.)
France – You must give yourself up before getting tackled.
In the great tradition of French people being total scaredy cats, when the NFL shacks up at the Stade de France, the players should give themselves up before having to endure any sort of unpleasant contact or exchange. Besides, you don’t want to be dragged down when you are so hungover from all the “good” red wine anyway.
North Korea – The Great Leader scores all the touchdowns. ALL GLORY TO HIM.
Of course, the NFL would have to adjust the rules in order to play in the breathtakingly beautiful country, but would the Vikings and Steelers playing as the “Great Leader’s Glory for Eternity!” against the “Spirit and Continued Success of Great Leader!” really tarnish the game? Plus, Kim Jong Un could be the first player to both throw and catch touchdowns in one game for BOTH teams.
Australia – No pads allowed.
If you have any doubts about the brutality of the big men (in tiny shorts) of Aussie Rules Football just watch this. We’ll wait while you watch. And then rock back and forth in the fetal position for a while. And those are just from one season. We can’t look like a bunch of sooks, you guys.
Mexico – Expand to 90 man rosters.
It wouldn’t be too difficult to bring the party South of the Border – Mexico is traditionally dry and hot, plus they are chock-full of soccer stadiums that would serve as a pretty nice setting for an NFL game. However, the combination of tequila, burritos, and Montezuma’s revenge would likely beef up (no pun intended) the inactive list leading up to game day, so it’s probably a good idea to have a large number of reserves.
Germany – 15-minute games.
Efficiency is something the German people take very seriously, which is sort of counter-intuitive because beer is the other thing German people take seriously, and beer is efficiency’s greatest enemy. But nonetheless, Germans would find a way to take your 11 minutes of football and squeeze it into an even tighter window, not unlike the lederhosen this gentleman has jammed into his closet.
Canada – Exactly the same, but with a bigger team, a bigger field, and one less down.
Oh, also, they have Tim Tebow.
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