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The 2013 NFL Big 5: Week 5

The new NFL week is here and with it comes chaos. Fortunately, Maxim is here to help you navigate these uncharted waters with five predictions that will undoubtedly (or just maybe) come true.


(Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013)


Big Upset – Baltimore over Miami
Sure they’re away from home, and sure they dropped a game against the Bills last week, but they are coming off a loss and not being shown much respect, and those are both things that Jim Harbaugh does not take too kindly to. Ray Rice should be in even better shape than he was last week, and since Bernard Pierce may be sitting, Rice should have a doozy of a game (he tends to do well when his back is against the wall).

Big Performance – Detroit D
With a fluky loss against the Cardinals serving as the only strike against the Lions’ record, they take on divisional pals Green Bay on Sunday, and you can bet they are eager to prove their fast start is no joke. The Packers are on a week’s rest and will likely be equipped with Eddy Lacy, so it will not be an easy feat. And hey, if it gets out of hand, at least you can watch Ndamukong Suh straight up murder somebody.

Big Flop – Donte Whitner
The San Francisco safety is following in the footsteps of other ridiculous athletes like Chad Johnson and Metta World Peace, and changing his name to Donte Hitner. How quirky! The only teeny-tiny issue is that the name is pretty similar to the guy who committed some of the worst atrocities in human history. Not a good look to have that willingly placed on the back of your jersey. Is there really no one in his life that can say, “Hey Donte, maybe we should take a solid five minutes to think about this insane thing?”

Big Storyline – Cleveland’s Last Hope
Even though the Indians fell to the Rays, C-Town is buzzing for the new look Browns, who completely turned their season around by, well, totally giving it. It looks like Hoyer might have learned a thing or two while he was backing up Tawmmmy Brady, including how to utilize a tight end - in this case the top-form Jordan Cameron. Even if they can pull off another few wins, you’re probably looking at a mid-season collapse directly on top of Brian Hoyer’s head. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Big Stinker –San Diego at Oakland
The Raiders got displaced until 8:30 PM PST for their baseball team’s playoff matchup, pushing them well into the next morning in the EST. Will the east coast stay up late to watch these two AFC West teams put together a 10-3 snoozefest? Hell, we’re not even sure the west coast will.

Check out Pirates Win First Playoff Game Since Miley Cyrus Was Born and Joe Flacco Has Never Tailgated.