It’s like Mad Libs for degenerates.
(Photo by George Burns)
With athletes publicly blowing it left and right, lots of sportsmen (read: their PR people) are issuing written apologies for their depravities. We here at Maxim are truly worried about the toll this is taking on our national treasures: Do they have time? Are their hands cramping up? Don’t they have it hard enough? That’s why we’ve streamlined the process: behold the Athlete Apology-o-matic. Now your favorite mischief-makers can just fill in the blanks depending on their infractions.
I want to apologize to my [fans, teammates, imaginary in-laws] for putting [performance-enhancing drugs, my penis] in [my twitter feed, my veins, a gently-used gym sock]. I had a moment of weakness where [responsibility, tact, a non-fictional partner] evaded me, and I am [truly, kinda, not that] sorry. This transgression violates [my own standards, online terms of service, the law in most states], and while I can’t count on your forgiveness, I can hope [for it, that I have a good night’s sleep on my bed made of money]. I have been in counsel with [my coach, the ownership, Tony Dungy, Dr. Phil/Drew/Oz] and I feel that I can use this experience to [grow, learn, meet Oprah].
Sports fans, consider all of your heroes redeemed.
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Office Assistant: Deana