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The Denver Nuggets Prove That Not Eating Pizza Makes You Bad at Basketball

After coach Brian Shaw bans players from eating it before games.


Photo: Rob Carr/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

After downing pepperoni pizza and grape soda, Kobe Bryant dropped 81 points in a game in 2006. So, by the transitive tautological rules of nuclear logic, eating pizza makes you awesome-balls at basket…balls. But not in the cruel, cruel pizza-less world of Denver Nuggets head coach Brian Shaw who, after seeing his players perform poorly in the first quarters of games, took a look at his players’ diets. Before tip-off, he witnessed dudes munching on nachos and pizza. So, Shaw decided to ban all junk food outright, opting to put his players on a healthy, soul-destroying diet of boiled chicken and dirt (probably). The result? The team is now 1-8 since the move, and the Nuggets’ once-winning record has devolved below .500 for the year.

In perhaps a silent (and very generous) protest of the decision, Nugget Wilson Chandler donated 80 pizzas at a Boys & Girls Club for Christmas (IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR DEPRIVED CHILDREN, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES, BRIAN SHAW, YOU INHUMAN MONSTER). Sure, maybe nachos and other junk food are bad for, you know, physical performance…but pizza? It can cure cancer! It does not contribute to heart disease! It’s featured in the title of a fantastic movie featuring Julia Fucking Roberts! It’s piiiizzzzaaaaa!


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