The video game industry is frequently criticized for hypersexualizing its female characters, reducing them to male fantasies. Here at Maxim we find that reprehensible; sure, we are the Internet capital of bikini-clad actresses, but we get to know them as people by asking about their dirtiest sexcapades and how unhappy they are with their current boyfriends on a scale of 1-to-You're-Dating-a-Maxim-Staffer-Aren't-You? Anyway, we thought we'd compare a few digital sexbots to their real-life sexpots.
Natassia Malthe as Bloodrayne
Bloodrayne is one of the first video game characters to pose for Playboy, which is more depressing than it sounds, but not as depressing as watching Svetlana Lupescu reduced to a leather-clad tart sucking on swamp monsters while she orgasms. The games are easy, and fun: hot girl killing Nazis with two giant swords and a bloodlust that's mostly the second syllable. Okay, cool, but Natassia Malthe is not only a model and martial artist, she's an actress and singer, which puts her two skills above the dhampir she portrays in Uwe Boll films. She's not only beautiful but intelligent. (How many video game characters use kinesthetic in a sentence?)
Jaime Pressly as Tina Armstrong
DOA 's Tina Valentine was voted G4's Video Game Vixen of 2005, which means something to people with sore thumbs and stiff wrists, but her wrestling skills are no match for her bikini-wearing abilities, and she's only competing to get famous and become a supermodel. So yeah, she's hot, but Jaime Pressley is what lingerie fantasizes about when it wants to feel sexy, and modeling can't keep up with her success. Plus she produced her own movie called Death to the Supermodels, so she already knows she'd beat Tina down in both beauty and brawling. She's a talented comic actress, but the only way she'll ever win an Oscar is by donning ugly makeup to play Aphrodite.
Julia Voth as Jill Valentine
Jill is Resident Evil's S.W.A.T.* cop who dresses like she's in vice. You might remember her from what was probably the happiest ending to any time when someone walked into a police station and opened fire.
That was the gorgeous Sienna Guillory, who's doing what she can with one of the craziest movies ever made, and hey: hot cosplay costume, movie, but Julia Voth literally is Jill Valentine.
*S.T.A.R.S., which is the pretty people's special tactics team.
For most of human history, Julia Voth only existed in sculptors' minds, but the second she finished puberty, technology realized it had better preserve her. She'll be 32 (bits) forever, since programmers scanned her body and crafted Jill's face after hers. Until video games eclipse the depth of sensory data available to us in reality, Jill will always be a mere shadow of this foxy Canadienne, and even then, we don't recall Valentine ever flashing Voth's trademark sexy no-bullshit-tolerated gaze. We're pretty sure she has a wicked stepmother with a magic mirror somewhere. Catch her in the lead role of the upcoming Lilith.
Mila Kunis as Tanya Winters
Tanya Winters is tough, sexy, and nobody you want to go near. Her idea of a one-night stand is slitting your throat once she gets off (and you die without ever getting yours, because you're an attentive lover. Your weakness sickens her. And us. But don't worry, gentle youth. One day you will find a girl who appreciates your tenderness and the way you sob for the twenty-two minutes following orgasm). She's not crazy. She's just bone-mean, even if she is a mean bone. Yessir, death by exposure in Winters would be our preferred method of execution.
And NONE of that matters! Because her voice is Mila Kunis, and Mila Kunis is the best girl ever. She's got eyes that make cartoon characters look reserved, and she speaks Russian, which means her organized crime connections are even more extensive than Tanya's.* People join the Marines just for the chance to take her to the ball. Mila Kunis would be hotter in 8-bit than most people are on their wedding day.
Brendan McGinley doesn't play games, except with your heart, girl.