It's Monkey Day! Everyone loves monkeys, except people who were raised by banana trees. Those folks swore vengeance to the jungle moon that they would kill monkeys wherever they found them, by making them slip on banana peels and fall down painfully. It's...admittedly inefficient. But that's good! Because it guarantees us lots more clips of monkeys doing people things, though not very well.
Today is also Alabama Day, but that state would insist they're not evolved from monkeys. And they're right! They're evolved from apes. Who, in turn, are evolved from monkeys! Let's salute our great-great-grandfathers by eating bananas and grooming ourselves this one day a year. But even if you hold that you ain't got nuthin' to do with no monkeys, you can still get drunk like one. It seems vervet monkeys are drink ninjas, descending from the trees of St. Kit's island to swipe booze. What's weird is their drinking demographics skew exactly like humans' do, meaning just like your friends, they turn into jerks after two minutes and thirty seconds.
The luckiest among us got cool babysitters that let us watch the R-rated movies. But this kid in Dhenkanal, India has a monkey for a babysitter! Seriously, the monkey just strolled up to the house one day and started taking care of the child, and while that would be cause to arrest most humans, the people of Dhenkanal are totally cool with it because even if it goes terribly wrong, guys, a monkey is babysitting!
The Gentleman Monkey
We can't show you the woman who breastfeeds a monkey because…wait…can we? That can't be offensive since it's the least sexual concept in the universe. But it's probably a good idea for you never to see it. Instead, here is a woman with a banana in her cleavage, though not if the monkeys have anything to say about it. In a few seconds, the fruit is but a memory, while her chest remains a dream. Their respect for her personal boundaries displays a genteel spirit found in the better class of monkey or the rarest of Maxim readers.
So far you've seen obvious stuff: everyone likes booze, boobs and bananas. But bicycling? How do you train a monkey to do that when you can't even teach a kindergartener? These simians perform a bike show in Vietnam with all of the skill of a hardcore cyclist, though with much more willingness to share the road. Awesome, right? Not really, since their hands are tied to the handlebars. AND YOU LAUGHED AT IT. You are an utterly terrible person. This is officially the worst thing that ever happened in Vietnam.
Hey, Hey, It's The Monkees
How disappointing to learn there are no gorillas in The Gorillaz, nor monkeys in The Monkees. This fella corrects that by hitting four notes, which is two more than most punk bands. Pitchfork.com described his YouTube debut as "Staggering…brilliant…a work of profound singularity couched in the reductionist tones of a young Mott the Hoopel. Though perhaps less resplendent in its regard for Woody Guthrie's oeuvre than it might be, this earth-exploding manifestation upon the state of world culture signifies no less than the complete revolution of what we now restrictively call 'music.' " Then they rated it a single fork. And that's why Pitchfork will forever be trapped in the first 50 minutes of High Fidelity, while this monkey is reaping bushels of groupies. Advantage: forever monkeys.
Brendan McGinley was born in the year of the monkey.