Who doesn't love a sexy schoolgirl? Maxim does, and we have the arrest record to prove it. Ha! We made a joke about a very real problem. But seriously, dating underage girls is an old man's game, and we're just not that creepy yet. That doesn't mean we don't appreciate a full-grown lady in a school uniform. It takes us back to high school, when older women used to infiltrate the school dressed as our classmates to uncover the real news about today's teens. Or maybe that was the plot of Never Been Kissed, an awful movie no decent girlfriend would ever make you watch. What was the point? Oh yes--creepiness doesn't discriminate gender. Here are four videos that make us feel improper longing.
Jenn Bocian - Don't Love You
There are suggestive dances, and then there are moves that a cat in heat would be ashamed of. And God bless Jenn Bocian for not being a cat. This is the video that sex thinks about when it masturbates. The dance steps are "toe, heel, sex pump, breast jiggle, crotch explosion, toe, ball, ball, ball, pregnancy." (What can we say? It's a Catholic school.) Somewhere in there is a pretty good jingle about not loving someone. There's no room for love in this kind of lusty gyration. Only the forbidden heat we call…lambada.
For a while there, you couldn't get an Aerosmith single that didn't star Alicia Silverstone as every fantasy Steven Tyler never should have had, but the apex of them was Miss Sexersex sneaking out of school, catching her dress on a window, diving into a 5.0 HO yo, and absconding with the singer's daughter Liv. No acting is required to enjoy their day of hooky hijinks, but your escalating lust will break at the point when you realize the brunette's dad hired her to dance around half-naked. But since elf princesses and Liv Tyler are both incorruptibly pure as the driven snow, we still want her. Oh, so dearly do we want her.
Rachel Bloom - F*** Me, Ray Bradbury
"F*** Me, Ray Bradbury" contains an important message about literacy, and the filthy things one can do with it, as well as with a cantankerous nonagenarian sci-fi author. (His best quote? "We've got too many internets.") Most music videos at least pretend to be about something other than sex, but Bloom's dirty words are the best way to…to…sorry, what were we talking about? God, look at that woman. Is there anything hotter than EVERYTHING THAT RACHEL BLOOM IS? She wants to read and have sex, and presumably make us a sandwich afterward. Now we know what Shakespeare was talking about when he wrote "If it were now to die, 'twere now to-Wow, Rachel Bloom." She goes all in when she begs Bradbury for sex, and you almost forget how funny it all is. Some people have bedroom eyes, but Rachel Bloom has sex-on-a-pool-table-early-in-the-party eyes. A word of warning: this clip will leave pants on your wet stains.
Britney Spears - Baby, One More Time
Hail to the queen, baby-baby. Ms. Spears' debut single is 13 years old, just a smidge younger than the video vixen herself was when she revealed just how many of our nation's middle-aged men go full-metal skeeze over a sexy schoolgirl. Look at her, so sweet and sort of able to sing, with not a Federline in sight. The country was so full of hope and dreams back then. We were America; we could do anything. Mostly we wanted to do Britney Spears, and we had to change the sheets after those dreams, but don't judge us. We were teenagers ourselve, and these gyrations are like a hormone bullet to the pituitary.
Brendan McGinley went to Catholic school, but doesn't look so good in a skirt.