User menu

Main menu


The Ten Best Zingers From The Charlie Sheen Roast

We were pretty damn disappointed in Charlie Sheen's uncharacteristically un-Sheen-like behavior at the Emmys on Sunday. Instead of talk of winning, Tiger Blood, and goddesses, there was a somber, well-wishing shell of the man who left "Two and a Half Men"--and whatever shred of dignity he had--far behind. We're not sure if this "new" version of the star will be sticking around for long, but thankfully the long-anticipated "Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen" aired last night and the actor was put in his place for an hour-and-a-half.  Here now are our ten favorite scathing potshots taken at Sheen from the special: 

Roast master Seth MacFarlane: "Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’ but after all the porn stars you’ve banged, it’s probably Tiger Woods’ blood.”

Legend Jon Lovitz: "How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill 'Two and a Half Men'."

"Private Practice" actress Kate Walsh: "You know what's amazing?  After all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids." (That earned the biggest "Oooh" of the night, by far. Who knew she had it in her?!) 

Comedian Jeff Ross: "Charlie, if you're winning, then something's wrong with the fucking scoreboard." 

Boxer/general crazy human being Mike Tyson: "All the world's a stage...and Charlie's been booed off them all." 

Stand-up Anthony Jellinek: "Every minute of your life looks like the first two minutes of 'Law & Order: SVU'. 

"Jackass" star Steve-O: "Your nose is like my ass, there's nothing you won't shove up there."

Comedienne Amy Schumer: "You’re just like Bruce Willis--you were big in the 80s and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton Kutcher.” 

The ubiquitous William Shatner: "I'm come we look like we went to high school together?"

Charlie's best comeback during his rebuttal: "I've hung out with a lot of shady people over the years: Losers, drug addicts, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special."