Horrible workers and a-hole bosses make for great stories...and nightmares.
Co-workers can be scary, rude, perverted and villainous. We want to hear your workplace horror stories. Does your cubicle neighbor punctuate all his sentences with a fart? Does your project manager make you work weekends...in the nude? Maxim is looking for the most horrible, terrifying, weird and crazy co-worker. Share your stories with us in the comments below. To help you dig up those repressed memories, here are some of the most horrible employees ever. One good thing about unemployment: You don’t have to work with these scary assholes.
Don’t Drink the Water
When you hear of someone being charged with ‘releasing an offensive material in a public place,’ you think of Neo Nazi’s handing out propaganda booklets or BP releasing oil into the Gulf of Mexico. What may not come to mind is an image of your co-worker ejaculating into your water bottle, but that’s exactly what Michael Lallana was charged with after emptying a load into a female colleague’s water bottle - twice. The married father was eventually found guilty, telling the jury he did it because “her lips had touched it.” Oh! Now it make sense. Nothing creepy here, folks.
Contributing a few bucks a week to an office lottery pool seems like a good way to encourage workplace solidarity - unless you actually win. Two employees of Chicago bakery Pita Pit learned this the hard way after twelve of their co-workers refused to let them collect their portion of a $118 million Mega Millions jackpot. There was a discrepancy between who paid for the ticket, but it basically boils down to: People are greedy, and those who aren’t greedy are whiny.
Chances are at some point in your life you’ve thought about spiking someone’s drink to give them the runs, Dumb and Dumber-style. If you’re enough of an asshole to actually go through with it, it’s probably a bad idea to brag about it in the office, like Ashley Nicole Carroll did after lacing a coworker’s Mountain Dew with cleaning product. And to those who will joke, “How could you tell the difference?” we say: Shut up! Mountain Dew is delicious! Go pick on a terrible soda that deserves ridicule, like Diet Dr. Pepper.
Tech guys are often unfairly portrayed as lonely geeks who get off watching porn in their mothers’ basements. Earlier this year, Joseph Boucher, who worked in the IT department for Apple Rehab, further debased this stereotype after he was caught using his company-issued iPhone to record women in the office bathroom, and directly streaming footage to his company computer. He was charged with three counts of voyeurism and is currently awaiting trial. The takeaway? Stereotypes are true: Techies can not only be pervy, but completely stupid as well, and they are all named Joseph Boucher.
Before picking a fight with your colleague, pay attention to your surroundings. Do you work in the bedding section of Ikea? Good to go. If your office is a construction site, skip it, or else you may end up with life threatening injuries similar to those sustained by a man who was shot by his co-worker with a nail gun during a tiff. Here at Maxim, we fight with bikinis, which sounds sexy until you learn we’re fighting over which guy can wear it next.
A Sentimental Goodbye
Any story that starts off with, “I had a couple of beers and...” is usually worth listening to. This is how ex-Safeway employee Alan Yokoyama’s tale began when explaining to the police why he decided to deliver a very personal parcel to his workplace after being fired. The unlucky recipient happened to be one of the store managers who, reaching his hand into the inter-office mailbox, identified the mystery package as a lump of excrement.
You can probably get away with stealing someone’s sandwich once in awhile, but it takes some serious balls to assume you won’t get caught stealing lunches, drinks, and 60 pounds of deer sausage out of the break room fridge in police department! Officer Kevin Yang, we salute your audacity and your appetite.
Got your own tale of a terrible coworker? Share it in the comments below!