The impending 2012 apocalypse is finally upon us, and zombies are bound to gorge upon your fleshy human body. Unless you have serious gear, in which case you might stand a chance of living a few extra days.
Crovel Extreme, $109.99
When you have an infinite amount of parasitic atrocities trying to gnaw on your still-normal brain, you need to be prepared for everything, and a steel shovel may be the ultimate tool. Not only is this going to build you a valuable outhouse (and by outhouse we mean a shitty hole in the dirt) and help with possible shelter, it also has the ability to slice open some zombie brains with its spiked head. Plus, it can barricade doors and smash open any snack machines that survived the pandemic.
Apocalypse Kit, $349
Everything you need to survive in a war-torn world is in this slick canvas carry-on. You’ll be packing seven weapons made to destroy the zombie race, including a 25’’ machete, an angled parang, a portable folding knife and an axe. You’ll also find a DMF knife featuring a nitrate coated blade, made to repel the toxic residue of the undead. But the biggest gem of all is the knife, whose handle is equipped with a bottle opener - in the midst of all of that slaying, you’re really going to need that beer.
Bunkers, $25,000-$50,000 per person
When the world erupts with an infinite string of flesh-eating zombies, you’re going to want to be super far underground. You’re probably thinking that sprawling out amongst dirt and worms is going to suck ass, but you can officially avoid that with Vivos, a company that makes the post-apocalyptic version of luxury hotel suites. Built to sustain life after virtually any type of catastrophe - including nuclear warfare, colossal-sized androids, a backlash from Planet Gonad-Punch, and every type of natural disaster - these bunkers will make you feel like you’re still living the high-life despite the mutant dinosaur guts scattered above you. Both private and communal shelters are available, and structured to hold thousands of survivors, so you can breathe easy knowing that if you’re forced to repopulate the earth, you can do so with a hot stranger rather than your mom.
Black Medieval Spike Club, $49.99
Slice and dice some annihilated flesh with this insane spike club, equipped to make you look like a swamp monster-fighting beast. With 21 removable spikes sharpened to deadly perfection, this whip-around club will definitely help you beat down some undead beasts. It’s also good for tenderizing steak, but remember to wash it off first.
Black Respirator Gas Mask, $31.99
Face it - it’s going to be nearly impossible to breathe with the overwhelming smell of toxic waste and burning flesh flooding your nostrils. Luckily, you can avoid the stench and kick some serious ass simultaneously with this spiked gas mask. Complete with multiple steel spikes, you can rest assured that if you do fall asleep above ground, those pesky brain-eaters will tear their own head apart before they even get to yours. Awesome. But be warned-- you may wake up nearly smothered by their clumped flaky skin, and vomiting inside a gas mask can be lethal.
Medieval Hand Blades, $29.95
Despite the fact that Hugh Jackman’s portrayal of the character made it seem like his real superpower was immovable hair, Wolverine had it right: You need claws protruding from your knuckles in order to survive in this world, especially when it’s being overtaken by mutants who like to gorge on the living. These sick-ass claws are the best way to take out an undead horde and…actually, no, a tactical nuke would be the best way to take them out. But these are the best way to take them out with a “snikt” noise.
RE Factor Tactical Operator Band, $49.95
Have you ever looked down at your wrist and thought, “God, it’s really empty down there?” Yeah, we haven’t either, but this sweet operator band allows survival essentials to literally hang off your limb. Crafted by a US army combat veteran, this survival haven houses a 12’ paracord, 30’ fishing line, 18'' of snare wire, a handcuff key, a can opener, and a fire flint starter rod. Looks like you’re going to have your hands full, buddy.
Dual Tank Backpack, $39.95
During the apocalypse, your life will constantly be on the edge of extinction, so you’re pretty much going to have to be drunk every spare second in order to function (what? That’s how we handle stuff). This portable drink backpack gives you constant access to your favorite beverages, and mentally shields you from the fact that your neighbor just got his face bitten off by a rampaging atomic monkey.
Coleman Hand Saw, $4.49
The fact that this can fit in your pocket had us sold in seconds. When it comes to the apocalypse, you have to be prepared to always be on the run, and ready to saw shit down whenever needed. Chop through tree branches, animal meat, gangrenous limbs and the undead themselves with just a sleek swipe of this handsaw.
Night Vision Scope, $369
This portable night vision scope makes cowering underground a whole lot easier to cope with, and has the bonus ability to make you feel grateful for the destruction of humanity by reminding you of shit like Paris Hilton’s sex tape. Peer into the woods for food, be ultra-prepared for future attacks, and casually check out the hot girl in the bunker next to you without straining your eyes. It’s got it all!
Self-Cocking Crossbow, $37.01
After watching hours upon hours of The Walking Dead, guns seem to be a sure-fire way to kill a zombie. However, guns can run out of ammunition rather quickly, and their bullets aren’t too easy to retrieve when they’re embedded into rotten flesh and worm-infested brains. That’s why you’re going to be in need of a bow and arrow, and this self-cocking majesty is a cool way to get the job done. Once you hit your target, retrieve the arrow from the inflicted wound, swipe it across some dirt, and voila: One down, six billion to go.
More of the 2012 Maxim Holiday Gift Guide