We’re going with “probably.”
All you regular Maxim.com readers (hi, Tim, Bob, and Alistair!) will know that, when it comes to the apocalypse, we’ve always got one eye open for signs of its coming (the other eye is taped shut due to an incident with some hot sauce and a rogue mailman). We’ve predicted its arrival through the use of Steven Seagal and chickens, we’ve prepared for post-apocalyptic dating, and we’ve made notes on how to construct an ark, because when it’s the apocalypse, there’s always a chance of inclement weather. As self-proclaimed apocalyptic experts, we feel obliged to tell you that this week looks pretty bad in terms of ominous portents.
Photos Courtesy of Enrique Talledo
First off, there is this 30-foot long giant squid that washed up on a beach in Spain. This is a beast whose species is so legendarily secretive and mysterious, until recently, their existence was little more than a hypothesis based on oversized sucker-marks found on sperm whales. And now? Now,we have one just drifting up onto the beach in Cantabria, all 400 lbs of it, like it was the most normal thing in the world. If you think that there’s nothing ominous about a creature that’s always hidden itself from mankind suddenly throwing its body face-first at the very country that invented calamari, you’re deluded, buddy.
Secondly, and so much more frighteningly, we have this series of lethal giant hornet attacks in China. The giant hornet is one of those animals that we tend to look at as conclusive proof that God hates us – a two-inch-long armored nightmare with a quarter-inch stinger, and venom that has been described as “like a hot nail being driven into my leg.” These monstrous insects have attacked residents of Shaanxi province relentlessly in the last few weeks, killing 41 and injuring 1,675. Experts claim that a combination of unusually warm weather and an unexpected dry spell have caused the attacks, but just watch the below video and tell us that this isn’t the first sign of Armageddon.