Apparently there's worse than Seaside Heights out there.
It's finally August, and Summer is unfortunately winding down. In a matter of weeks, trees will be bareboned and we'll be freezing our asses off just walking to the car, but prior to the dreaded 30 degree temps we're cramming in as many BBQs, pool days, and beach trips we can find. But before you start planning your last few getaways, be sure to blow off the beaches below.
1. Repulse Bay Beach - Hong Kong Island, China
Philip Roeland/ Flickr.com
In this case, the name speaks for itself; would you ever want to go somewhere that willingly refers to itself as repulsive? We’ll answer that for you – fuck no. Despite the area's pricey real estate, the surrounding beach is far from upscale and full of pollution thanks to constant construction leftovers leaking into the waters. Known for its ungoldly stank (which is rumored to stick to swimmers' bodies for days regardless of several showers) and constant red tides (a result of rapid algae growth) Repulse Bay Beach is the literal shithole we've always dreamed of avoiding.
2. Fraser Island - Queensland, Australia
Dean Brown/ Flickr.com
We don't need much convincing when it comes to visiting Australia. Between Crocodile Dundee and Yvonne Strahovski, we'd shove all of our belongings into a suitcase in mere seconds if asked, but just the mention of Fraser Island is enough to keep us in the States. Located off the coast of Queensland, authorities warn tourists and natives alike to steer clear of the beach for pretty much every reason you can think of. If you don't drown in the ridiculously strong rip currents, you'll probably lose a limb thanks to surrounding shark and Irukandji jellyfish clans. And while taking cover on land seems like the logical way out, it won't help; even if you check out your beach spot before staking it as your own, you're bound to run into some of the world's deadliest spiders, saltwater crocs, and wandering dingoes by the day's end. Sure, those fluffy dogs look completely adorable from a distance, but piss them off and they'll rip your face off. Kind of like our mothers. Kidding, love you mom (please don't kill me)!
3. Bikini Atoll - Republic of the Marshall Islands
Gamma Keystone/Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
If you've ever managed to sit through the entirety of The Hills Have Eyes, you'd know it's a really dumb idea to voluntarily drive through a desert that's been home to multiple nuclear bombs, and unless you're into being eaten alive by squatters who mutated into zombies, we'd assume you wouldn't want to lounge on a beach with a similar story. Between the years of 1946-1958, the US government used Bikini Atoll as its very own nuclear laboratory, dropping more than twenty nuclear devices and contaminating the island with tons of radiation. While authorities cleared the surrounding area of its inhabitants before testing, we all know there's bound to be a few deformed settlers buried within its mountains, not to mention the fact that the place remains highly radioactive. You've been warned.
4. Maho Beach - Saint Martin, Caribbean Islands
The worst part about flying into a remote tropical island is having to take one of those small death-trap planes rather than a commercial flight, so we'll take the extra hour of ground transportation to get us there even though it's a major pain in the ass. But with Maho Beach, that excess traveling can all be avoided - as soon as you land at the St. Martin Airport, you can walk off the tarmac and onto the beach in mere minutes. Sounds pretty fucking awesome, right? Wrong. The landing strip (haha!) is so close to the sandy destination that when you're catching some sun, planes are constantly flying mere meters above your head, which is obviously completely terrifying.
5. Calangute Beach - Goa, India
Eric Whipple/ Flickr.com
Not only is this Goa attraction full of abrasive vendors and massive crowds of irritating hippie tourists, you also run the risk of sharing your umbrella with India's beach-roaming sacred cows as soon as you plunge it into the sand. They may not pounce if you make a wrong move (like those damn dingoes), but their massive size and likelihood of traveling in herds will lead to a smelly clash of the species. Not to mention, do you know how heavy cows are? Good luck trying to move their asses from your chairs when packing up to leave.
6. North Sentinel Island - Andaman Islands, India
Unless your idea of a vacation is being hunted by natives, we’d suggest you steer clear of this isolated island located off the coast of India. Void of Western modernization and knowledge of the outside world, little is known about the Sentinelese tribe simply because they’re not exactly welcoming to visitors. And by "not welcoming" we mean, step foot on the sand and you will be pelted with spears. Strangely, it’s not as cool as it looks on TV.
7. New Smyrna Beach - Volusia County, FL
Barcroft Media/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Finally, a true US gem! According to the International Shark Attack File, Florida's New Smyrna Beach has seen more annual shark attacks than any other beach in the world. While none of the incidents have been fatal - most swimmers report minor nibbling - residents have witnessed more than 230 appearances since the late 1880's. That may sound like a small number for such a long time span, but we're not trying to test the odds, nibbling or no nibbling.
8. Marunda Beach - Jakarta, Indonesia
AFP/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
We can't say much about pollution - we live right by the East River, for Christ's sake - but it's pretty hard to overlook the layer of trash floating atop Marunda Beach's waters, along with that thick black film sources have credited to cooking oil. On second thought, the East River ain't looking too bad...