The Shady Front Desk Guy
He knows where everything is, has awesome connections, and probably sold you some crazy chronic. Awesome, right? But then he shows up at your room at 5:00AM with a pound of ketamine and says, “Hey, man. Could you hold on to this? I got a thing. Cool. Thanks, chief.”
At first it's funny to see a daredevil. Ask him to eat all the salt in a salt shaker, and he'll do it. And you laugh, your friends laugh and the daredevil smiles. But this is a slippery slope. Unless you ditch this desperate fool, he'll keep hounding you with questions such as, "Dare me to burn off my hair?", "Dare me to chop off a finger?", "Dare me to bite and eat my own teeth?" What once was funny, quickly becomes sad.
The Nightclub Bouncer
He’s got your back. And when you’re in a strange town filled with drunk yahoos, having a ‘roided up man mountain at your side can’t hurt. That is until he wants to, you know, just hang out, man. During the day. Maybe lift some weights. Down a protein shake. Talk about how dads never love and uncles love a little too much. Normal bro shit, dude.
The Room Next Door
Sweet! Some chill people to party with! Let’s blackout and do things we regret with each other! You guys live right next door to us; it’s not like your total strangers! Your proximity to our room makes you instantly trustable and not intent on harvesting our eyes for a Mexican organ-stealing cartel!
That Guy You Kinda Recognize From That One Class Maybe
Once you get back to normal life, what will you possibly have in common or be able to talk about with this guy? “Uh, remember when we hit up that donkey show and you made-out with a transvestite Kei$ha impersonator?” Yup, sure do. Would you mind getting a massive bus-related, memory-wiping brain injury?
Some Guy Who Definitely Doesn’t Speak English
A little known benefit of alcohol? It’s Star Trek-like ability to act as a universal translator. Through a series of drunken slurs, gesticulations, and groin thrusts you should be able to pretty much communicate with anyone on this Earth. Unfortunately, while Gorbachev was awesome to hang out with in this miraculous state, when sober his Eastern European grunts are more terrifying than hilarious.