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Spring Break Survival Guide: Do's and Don'ts

Whether you're headed to Daytona Beach, Florida or Cancun, Mexico, be prepared with our painfully-learned spring break wisdom.

Tip Your Bartenders

A lot. Most spring break trips are packaged deals bought through a dubious touring company run by ex-surfer, probably criminal, 30-year olds. One of these strange-smelling men will give you a wristband that grants “free” booze at select locations. This will not matter to the bartenders actually serving up your liquid lunch. Sure, you won’t pay a dime for the watered down drinks, but neither will you be served with any kind of speed. Drop $20 just once and your bartender of choice should remember you all week, guaranteeing a never-ending supply of fun sauce.

Bring Drugs into Mexico

Just don’t. Trust us. Also, be aware of Cancun’s… interesting customs policy. Upon arriving via airplane, visitors walk through a security gate that’s outfitted with what is essentially a random traffic light. As tourists step through, a green light means good to go and a red light means a sexy search is about to go down: you have no clue as to which it’ll be, so smuggling in grandma’s Xanax is not worth it.

Prepare for Rejection

76 percent of male students plan to have sex on spring break (don’t ask us what the other 24 percent plan to do – does Cancun have a strong Magic: The Gathering fan-base?) Only 19 percent of spring-breaking ladies have the same intentions, however. We’re not mathatologists, but that’s a significant gap.

Let that get you down.

Those same ladies consume an average of ten drinks a day. Pre-break resolutions tend to go out the window—along with breakfast, lunch, and dinner—after your sixth mojito sangria colada.

Rent a Mother-f’n Scooter.

We’re serious. Look at this thing. Have you ever seen a conveyance brimming with such barely contained masculine energy? DIDN’T THINK SO. Even if you do doubt the scooter’s unequaled sexual power, you can’t question its convenience in getting around Florida’s never ending strips of bars, Burger Kings, and crushing suburban sadness.

Advertise That You’re Carrying Condoms

What are you, seven? Nothing scares the significant sex away faster than flashing off-brand clinic condoms pulled from a Velcro Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wallet (sweet wallet, by the way). When it’s time to get down to business, fine, then you can fish one out of your back pocket. But all things considered, you should be in one of three places where a condom conundrum should be easily solvable: a bar bathroom (condom machines!), a hotel bathroom (that’s what toiletry kits are for!), or a port-o-john. In this final case, you can bet the girl is a veteran of more stall-sex than your small mind can imagine. She’ll be equipped with condoms from the distant orient and islands you thought only existed on the covers of progressive rock albums. Prepare for the ride (and stench) of your life.

Carry Cash in Mexico

Mexican cops do not carry credit card machines. If one were to, say, get arrested for stealing coconuts from a palm tree in the middle of a highway, one may want to offer the kindly police officers some sort of compensation for their hard work. In case you’re wondering, yes, they’re happy to drive you to your hotel to get more cash if you’re currently strapped. If you’re also wondering how we know this MIND YOUR BUSINESS COCONUTS ARE DELICIOUS WHEN PROPERLY OPENED.

Enter Any “Games”

We’re talking about the stage shows hotels, clubs, and MTV Espanol like to run at the cost of the collective dignity of the human race. Having a girl simulate a BJ on your person with a banana for a chance to win free grandé´ nachos at Senör Caliente’s was a great idea. In 1997. See, now there’s this whole thing called “The Internet,” and these other things called “camera phones,” and this other thing called “eternal unemployment and family shame courtesy of YouTube.” Spring break is no different from the rest of your life: Have fun; just don’t let anyone record you doing it.