Some magazines say cities should be judged on yoga centers and low crime rates. We think it’s steaks, sports, sex (and some other things that start with “s”). So we devised a set of metrics to rate the best burgs for boys and created the only tour guide you’ll ever need. If your city didn’t make the list, rent a U-Haul and pack your bags!
40. Jacksonville, FL-
We kick things off with a place that 54 Hometown Hotties call home and where binge drinking is a favorite hobby.
39. Arlington, TX-
There’s not much in the way of sports or jobs, but boy-howdy, can they party! Arlington has endless steakhouses and strip clubs, plus more bars than you could shake an armadillo at.
38. Portland, OR-
It rains pretty much every single day in Portland, which is probably why they built so many strip clubs for people to hide out in. Seriously, you guys—so many.
37. Omaha, NE-
Oma-huh? This may be a shock entry, but plenty of people are moving there thanks to the decent job prospects and the sunshine. And the corn, maybe?
36. San Antonio, TX-
It’s crowded, but the numbers of Hometown Hotties and public drunkenness explain San Antonio’s popularity—1,373,668 people can’t be wrong!
35. Baton Rouge, LA-
The state capital may not score very well in terms of sports or nightlife, but for a smaller city its girl scores are awesome. Now that’s a lagniappe!
34. Arlington, VA-
Arlington tops the charts in the recreation category, proudly displays its nightlife cred, then meekly bows out of the race due to its lack of a major-league sports team. Man up, Arlington!
33. Charlotte, NC-
It’s trending, but there’s a lack of girls and drinking holes, which kills two of our three favorite pastimes. Fortunately, the third is something we can do anywhere, given a little privacy (God, we love Solitaire!).
32. Phoenix, AZ-
A healthy, sunny, sporty city with the added bonus of being named after a psychedelic, mythical firebird. Well played, Phoenix, well played.
31. Salt Lake City, UT-
Attention, Salt Lake City: You have an unusually high percentage of Hometown Hotties and decent career prospects. Now build some goddamn bars and maybe you can leap up a few spots!
30. Nashville, TN-
There’s a surprisingly low number of bars in Nashville, but thanks to the high number of coeds, you can hopefully get yourself invited to a sexy dorm-party pillow fight instead.
29. Madison, WI-
The birthplace of The Onion scores high for career opportunities, but it’s the combination of binge drinking and ladies that makes this town a winner. Sexy drunk chicks! Woo-hoo!
28. Oakland, CA-
Oakland is the nightlife king, topping the list for its sheer number of bars. Sadly, many of the female partyers call other towns home.
27. Kansas City, KS-
Small but perfectly formed, K.C. sits pluckily in the middle of almost every category, outclassing several larger towns. It’s the little metro that could!
26. Boulder, CO-
If you’ve got a job in Boulder, life is pretty sweet. If you don’t, it’s time to move on, because there are none on the horizon (unless you’re a barista).
25. Washington, DC-
The No. 1 city for job opportunities (recession = government gigs) also provides lots of places to spend your cash, which seems fair: If there’s one town that knows about blowing a budget, it’s this one.
24. Fort Worth, TX-
Fort Worth scores badly on girls —unless, given the city’s obesity stats, you’re into “cuddly.”
23. Dallas, TX-
Dallas lands in the top 10 for sports but gets dragged down by the oil slick of its middling showing in other categories.
22. Minneapolis, MN-
With all its stats in the middle, Minneapolis is like a pricey boob job: unremarkable but perfectly in proportion with itself.
21. Denver, CO-
Denver has a decent showing in sports and general healthiness, but it has a serious paucity of Hometown Hotties. Which means you’re just getting ripped to impress other dudes.
20. Houston, TX-
Houston has everything, but not proportionally. Sure, it has 96 Hometown Hotties and 879 bars, but you’d hope for more in a city of its size. Oh, and you can’t breathe—its health score is depressing.
19. St. Louis, MO-
Despite a nice bump for total number of teams, St. Louis’ sports score—and thus total score—stays low because none of its teams are any good. Winning clubs would make it a drastically better man city.
18. San Jose, CA-
It ranks second to Arlington, Virginia for healthiest city on this list. But its negative population change during commuting hours shows it’s really just a San Francisco bedroom community and not a city itself.
17. Raleigh, NC-
Our highest-trending city also has the chubbiest population. Put down the fork, Raleigh!
16. Austin, TX-
Austin’s a healthy, young city with a respectable girls score. Too bad it has no pro teams.
15. San Francisco, CA-
A surprisingly strong nightlife score (second in the list), driven by a disproportionate number of bars per capita, but not, oddly, by binge drinking. They count carbs on the West Coast!
14. Baltimore, MD-
Wow. You DVR’ed every season of The Wire, and how could we put Baltimore on our list? (a) Shut up. (b) Baltimore gets dinged by a bad job market, but we care not so long as we can blow copious lines of Old Bay seasoning.
13. Las Vegas, NV-
Vegas has girls—it’s just behind Atlanta and Tampa on that front—and its nightlife score isn’t too shabby (duh). But it has nothing else: It’s the proverbial great place to visit, but you may not want to live there.
12. Seattle, WA-
Seattle’s trending upward—decent career opportunities, decent health, etc. And while the girls score isn’t off the charts, it is better than you’d think for this drizzly, wool- wearing city.
11. Philadelphia, PA-
Another solid sports town with tons of steakhouses—complemented by excellent binge-drinking statistics—Philly just misses cracking our top 10.
10. Chicago, IL-
An athletic purist’s dream, Chi-town fails in so many other categories that it’s just embarrassing. The low number of public-intoxication arrests is particularly disappointing— 23,000 last year. That’s the best you can do, Chicago?
9. San Diego, CA-
As anyone who’s been to this bayside city knows, San Diego produces beautiful women faster than Usain Bolt runs the 50 with two smaller Usain Bolts for legs…while on cocaine.
8. Pittsburgh, PA-
With more than 12,000 kids living in local dorms, Pitt’s relatively tiny population of 311,000 has a healthy ratio of cheerleaders to chubbies.
7. Long Beach, CA-
Long Beach would jump to No. 3 on this list if it borrowed L.A.’s sports score for a day. Sorry—no tradesies!
6. Tampa, FL-
What Tampa lacks in, well, everything else, it makes up for in women. The city has more than 1,500 Google Map hits for “strip club.” We’re guessing the glitter industry does a lot of business here.
5. New York, NY-
What? New York isn’t No. 1? It’s got the most bars, the most Hometown Hotties, and the second-highest sports score. But it’s also got the most people: As a man you want the best ratio of goodness.
4. Miami, Fl-
No surprise, Miami is rich in Hometown Hotties. Actual surprise? Miami is a more than decent sports town, with five pro teams in the area that tend to win more than they lose (sorry, Cleveland).
3. Los Angeles, CA-
The only thing holding Los Angeles back from the top spot is a poor economy with little job opportunity for dudes not named Will Smith.
2. Boston, MA-
The epicenter of Masshole-ery gets a bad rap. It excels in gigs, girls, and games of sport. Plus, “annoying accent” wasn’t one of our measurements.
1. Atlanta, GA-
That’s right: Atlanta is the ultimate man city. Why? Well, mostly because of their girls score, which was through the freakin’ roof. And there are good job prospects, fun night- life and... Well, have a look to your left as we take a ride through the dark side of Atlanta with native rockers the Black Lips. It’s going to get weird!
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