Our resident bikini expert has ditched the bathing suit to pick the world’s hottest “birthday suit only” beaches
SALINE BEACH, ST. BARTS
This super-chic island’s most secluded hotspot is where the rich-and-famous come to bare it all away from peeping-tom paparazzi.
PROS: Something of a class reunion for Victoria’s Secret models past and present: OG Stephanie Seymour vacations nearby, and Brazilian supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio was spotted hanging out here last summer, presumably to tan away those unsightly white lines before shooting the Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalogue with colleague Miranda Kerr.
CONS: Skeevy old rich dudes smoking Cuban cigars, wearing nothing but hats. For the love of God, man, cross your legs!
GRADE: A. School’s always out for the summer at Victoria’s Secret’s alma mater.
LITTLE BEACH, HAWAII
If your one complaint about Nike 6.0’s surfer flick Leave A Message was “not enough nudity,” you might have missed the point. However, for a less-subtle plotline more your pace, check out this clothing-optional strip on Maui.
PROS: Local Hawaiian chicks and the occasional Hollywood starlet give “body surfing” a whole new meaning on this isolated, volcanic beach.
CONS: It’s actually “unofficially” bikini-less: technically, nude sunbathing is illegal in Hawaii, but on this beach, the rule is never enforced.
GRADE: C. Should the Hawaii Five-O start enforcing the rules, this would still be a super-beautiful beach, but right now it’s scenic in a whole different way.
PRAIA DO PINHO, BRAZIL
Leave the Copacabana to Rio’s demure, G-string-wearing bikini models. For the full Brazilian, head south to this blazing-hot stretch of sand in Santa Catarina.
PROS: Nude beaches are rare in Brazil, so this popular one attracts hotties from neighboring Argentina and Uruguay as well.
CONS: Regulars give “clothing optional” their own spin: “Clothing is not an option.” That means you, board shorts: No ogling if you don’t have the cojones to strip off as well!
GRADE: B. A chance to see smoking-hot Brazilian girls without all those frumpy string bikinis? Go on then.
HAULOVER BEACH, FLORIDA
Feel like SoBe’s NSFW topless scene is lacking something? Maybe organized kite-making and volleyball tourneys? Head just north of Miami to this county-run nude beach, for recreation department-sanctioned activities in the buff.
PROS: It’s shockingly well organized - on-duty lifeguards and summer-camp activities are present and correct, and they even participated in the World Record of Skinny-Dip Challenge last summer!
CONS: There’s a fair to middling chance of a sausage fest hogging the naked volleyball court.
GRADE: C. Paris Hilton’s dog goes to the park nearby, but it’s unlikely you’ll catch the hotel heiress doing the downward dog on the sand.
PARADISE BEACH, GREECE
The hard-partying island of Mykonos inspires Garden of Eden-esque bacchanals—after the fall.
PROS: Think go-go party in the sand: Lots of hot topless girls shaking their booties at all-day dance parties, but less full-frontal nudity.
CONS: Remember why you dreaded pool parties in middle school?
GRADE: B. Round-the-clock beachside cocktails plus strip-club soundtrack equals oceanfront lap dances.
WRECK BEACH, CANADA
Neighboring the University of British Columbia, Canada’s largest swimsuit-optional beach attracts ski bunnies looking to shed their winter layers.
PROS: The three-mile-long beach is a natural haven for Canadian wildlife, like eagles, kingfishers, and, of course, au natural coeds.
CONS: It’s named for a shipwreck, not a banging beach bar scene—although sections can get rollicking.
GRADE: C. For every cute, bi-curious frosh, there’s one creepy 60-year-old professor…and his family.
SAMURAI BEACH, AUSTRALIA
It sounds like the Wu Tang Clan christened this beach, but the most badass nudist you’re likely to find is some sheila yelling, “A dingo stole my bathing suit bottom!” Erm – please don’t be that dingo.
PROS: This half-mile, white-sand stretch is famous for its annual picnic day and naked beach Olympics.
CONS: The thinnest areas of the ozone layer are above Australia, which means getting burned in places where the sun doesn’t traditionally shine is a raw, red likelihood.
GRADE: C. A report of this year’s annual festival included statements like, “Lunch was on…thanks to cooks who slaved over a hot BBQ to produce great sausage sandwiches.” What, no one else is picturing this?
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