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4 Valentine's Day Crimes

Love is in the air! And also, attempted murder.


Photo: Allison Leach/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

Every year, Valentine’s Day is shoved down our throats by card companies and self-adoring couples, but thanks to epic police reports, we’re reminded that not everything is flowers and teddy bears on February 14. So before you cry yourself to sleep, check out the crimes below, and take solace in knowing there’s at least one upside to being single: relative sanity.

No Gift, No Love (Or Life)
After not receiving a Valentine's Day gift from her boyfriend, 22-year-old Kierra Reed from Cincinnati reacted like most completely sane people would: by grabbing a kitchen knife and trying to kill the fool. Blaming the incident squarely on him (naturally), Kierra maintains that she didn't actually threaten to kill him, and only hacked up the door because she couldn't get into her room. Either way, we suspect their relationship did not last - and that next time, he will consult a Valentine’s Day gift guide in advance, because getting stabbed sucks.

Love Bites
Following a heated Valentine’s Day argument, 51-year-old Elaine Cook of Illinois reportedly asked her boyfriend to kindly get the fuck out of her house - romantic! - but before leaving he went in for a wet one. Rather than smooching him back, Elaine proceeded to bite the entire right side of his tongue clear off. Unfortunately the missing chunk could not be reattached, though the man is still able to speak. Sounds like a lovely woman.

S&M is for Lovers (and Strangers)
Valentine’s Day quickly went south for Portland's Stephanie Pelzner and Nikolas Harbar when a public S&M act was mistaken for a kidnapping. Nude and bound in the back of a Subaru, Stephanie was enjoying the kinky stunt until her paramour was pulled over by authorities after a homeless person reported seeing a woman who might be in danger. Turns out the two weren’t even dating; they met on Craigslist for the purpose of engaging in some good, old-fashioned, consensual bondage, and when the cops arrived, both Stephanie and Nikolas made a run for it - so, evidently, this guys sucks at tying people up. 

Homecoming Ends in Taser Attack
Fresh out of the slammer on Valentine’s Day in 2009, Gerald Amidon from Boise, Idaho, went to visit his ex-girlfriend, hoping to rekindle their relationship, which had ended, presumably, because of the whole jail thing. After he showed up at the woman’s house and they began brawling, the police were called. Upon arrival, authorities instantly wrestled the ex-convict to the ground and repeatedly tasered him all over his body, including his groin area. Amidon later filed a civil rights lawsuit for $500,000 in punitive damages against the Boise police officers. Ultimately, a $150,000 settlement was reached. Though, not getting your penis tased: Priceless.


More Valentine's Day Articles on Maxim.com:
5 Services To Make You Less Lonely On Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day Advice from Maxim's Hometown Hotties