You don’t need a record deal to be in a band. All you need is your own show and mediocre lip synching ability. Here are the best fake bands from the wonderful world of TV.
12. Frozen Embryos/Between Names, My So-Called Live
Greatest Hit: “I Wanna Be Sedated” cover
Liner Notes: We’re like, not trying to be alternative. It just like, happened that way, or something, you know? Coffee. Whatever. Doc Martens.
Groupies: Girls who take forever to say simple sentences. Girls who are desperate for an identity. Single moms.
Where Are They Now? Judging by their music, life sure was rough in a pre-9/11, pre-economic collapse, pre-angry Mother Nature world. These kids had much to fret over. But when the world went wrong, they probably gave up the grunge music to jump on the biggest trends of the aughts: Vampires and Wizards.
11. Crucifictorious, Friday Night Lights
Greatest Hit: Their biggest song remains unclear, but we’re pretty sure they had more fans by season five, so that’s good.
Liner notes: Clear eyes, full hearts, let’s mosh.
Groupies: Dillon East misfits who liked hanging out under the bleachers and occasionally huffing glue.
Where Are They Now? In college. These kids were actually pretty big nerds.
10. Jesse and the Rippers, Full House
Greatest Hit: Forever
Liner notes: The love song entitled “A Hymn for My Kim” includes vague reference to a woman described only as “the next door temptress of my soul.”
Groupies: Japan. “Forever” reached no. 1 on the charts there!
Where are they now? Becky no doubt left Jesse after he refused to grow up and get a job, leading Jesse into a deep, dark depression breaking up the band and ruining his life. Only through the help of Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone and Dr. Drew was he saved…during a 2-hour VH1 special entitled “Say Uncle: The Jesse Katsopolis Story.” The rest of the Rippers now tour as The Rest of the Rippers to little fanfare.
9. Creation, Freaks and Geeks
Greatest Hit: “Sunshine of Your Love” cover
Liner Notes: DISCO SUCKS!
Groupies: Young women who are angry at their parents. Head bobbing enthusiasts. The girls you wished liked you and appreciated your video games.
Where Are They Now? A lot’s happened to Creation’s members since their humble beginnings in Nick’s basement. Ken knocked a girl up. Nick now prefers the company of oversized puppets. And Daniel had to cut off his own arm (at least rock n’ roll comes from your crotch). And Sean keeps reminding people that he was one of the Mighty Ducks.
8. Zack Attack, Saved by the Bell
Greatest Hit: Friends Forever
Liner Notes: Kelly, will you go to prom with me? –
Zack Slater Zack
Groupies: Girls who have never heard music before. Your little siblings. Principals who were way too involved with the lives of a very small group of students.
Where Are They Now? Jessie’s pill addiction spun out of control. Her death was a real wake up call for Slater, who got his act together and now works as a music producer/lifeguard. Zack left the music game after his parents checked him into an asylum because he kept talking to the wall as if it were a camera. And Screech took his solo career on the road.
7. The Beets, Doug
Greatest Hit: Killer Tofu
Liner Notes: Monroe Yoder (bass, vocals) dedicates the killer “Killer Tofu” track to his love, inspiration, and very vegan better half Yolko Nono.
Groupies: Girls with whimsical last names.
Where are they now? Monroe Yoder was shot in the head by a deranged fan in ’98. The rest of the Beets were found dead on their farm/compound in Northern California in ’02, killed by a rare strain of E. coli they contracted from consuming rotten Mayonnaise. The capitalization is not a typo.
6. Drive Shaft, Lost
Greatest Hit: You All Everybody
Liner Notes: Charlie plays the base. He likes heroin, long walks on the beach, and pregnant girls. He’d like to thank you all everybody who bought the album, and also let Desmond know that it’s not Penny’s boat. Whatever that means. He’s total cwazy!
Groupies: Grammar haters. Nerds who think the song is important. Kids named Walt who everyone just sort of forgets about. You all everybody who wasted 6 years of your all lives watching Lost. We’re including ourselves in this bunch. And we’re still pissed. Pissed that we know the song…Pissed that we know the show…Pissed.
Where Are They Now? In a better place. That’s kind of like this place, but different. In other words, they’re all dead, just like everyone else on the show. Yeah, they all died. That last season? Part of it was heaven…sort of. No, we’re not going to punctuate this with “Spoiler Alert.” In fact, be thankful that we spoiled the show. We just saved you 78 hours. You’re welcome.
5. Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution, Arrested Development
Greatest Hit: (There’s No “I” In) Teamocil
Liner Notes: Tobias Funke and family would like to thank the FDA for allowing the band to continue to record and perform music despite the recent ban of Chem Grow herbal supplements in the United States.
Groupies: Not a single TV Executive who recognized brilliance. Team Ocil, an intramural softball team of former teamocil addicts who were suspended from their league for using all-natural-yet-highly-questionable muscle enhancements--more products from the Squimm Group! Once a fan, always a fan.
Where Are They Now? A reunion tour, aka the Arrested Development movie, was announced...Will it ever get made? Could it possibly live up to the hype? We're anxiously popping our remaining Xanotabs as we type this (man, Maeby was right about the dry throat...and possibly the hair loss).
4. Mouse Rat, Parks and Recreation
Greatest Hit: Sex Hair
Liner Notes: Besides being the biggest rock star in Pawnee, Indiana, Andy Dwyer also answers phones, buys waffles, and tries not to break anything for government official Leslie Knope. He’s really FBI undercover agent Burt Macklin, but you didn’t hear it from him, okay?
Groupies: Angry girls who probably had a Frozen Embryo poster above their dark, dark purple bedspread.
What the Future Holds: Still in Pawnee. A little balder. A little fatter. But just as happy. They perform at the local bowling alley on Thursday nights…to a crowd of robots! The future is wow!
3. Pusswhip Banggang, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
Greatest Hit: Don’t Call Me Uncle
Liner Notes: Jim Boonie, this is the CD for you. We also got you some free real estate. We’re giving you a house. And this CD. FREE!
Groupies: People smart enough to realize this is a joke. People dumb enough to think this is real. A little guy named Chippy. Not Jim Boonie, despite the band’s best efforts to get him onboard.
What the Future Holds: The band will turn into pure energy. Also, their music will inspire an Off-Broadway musical, “We’re In Charge of the Local Shoppe.”
2. Electric Dream Machine, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Greatest Hit: Day Man
Liner Notes: The band would like to thank the rest of the gang…for nothing. Later, suckers! By the way, we’re renaming the show It’s Always Day Man in Philadelphia...and breaking the fourth wall. Deal with it.
Groupies: Not Frank, Sweet Dee, or Mac (aka “the rest of the gang”). A Paddy's Pub regular and all-around alcoholic who believe that the duo's song was an ode to his day drinking.
What the Future Holds: Dennis is in rehab for illegally-imported Russian diet pills. Charlie’s homeless and loving it.
1. Karma Rocket, Party Down
Greatest Hit: My Struggle
Liner Notes: This one’s for all the chosen people out there! Keep on ridin’ that train!
Groupies: Can a band be its own groupies?
Where Are They Now? Auditioning to be extras on Hot in Cleveland.