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12 Things We Are More Interested in Than Watching the Golden Globes

On the one hand, Ricky Gervais is pretty funny. On the other hand, there’s this hand mole we’d rather pick at than watch the pretentious, insignificant award show that is…The Golden Globes. Here are 12 things that we’d rather pay attention to this Sunday night.

1. Finding ways to open beer bottles with our eyelids.
2. Knee surgery videos
3. Your Mom’s gardening blog
4. The cast of Mystic Pizza: Where are they now?
5. Explicit information explaining where sausage, electronics, clothes, toys, and veal come from.
6. The health and wellbeing of an ex-girlfriend’s pet fish.
7. The box office returns of Joyful Noise, along with information about what Dolly was like to work with.
8. Watching a little kid sniff and sniff and sniff and never giving him a tissue.
9. Friends Fan-Fiction (What if Ross stayed with Emily!?!) 
10. News coverage of snowstorms in places more than 40 miles away.
11. Google Image results for the phrase “armpit fungus.” 
12. Golden Globe live blogs. It’sssoo excisting to watch typo-laden TWEeets about tIMportant thngs ADND dresses!! #Things!