How do you want to go?
Surrounded by throngs of young Jewish women asking me what Andy Cohen is really like.
Will you be going to heaven or hell?
I will be going to the Daytime Emmys.
What’s the first thing you’ll ask God (if you see Him)?
Is Parks and Recreation going to be renewed?
Have you seen me on Parks and Recreation?
What Billy on the Street contestant has come closest to sending you to the afterlife?
One time I asked an old lady about oral sex. She slapped me across the face very hard, and it stung. And on the new season, Lindsay Lohan and I do a special segment that made me start bleeding. You’ll have to watch to find out why.
While you were alive, what did you spend the most money on?
You’ve spent a lot of time on the streets of New York. If you had to spend your last day on one of them, which would it be?
They recently renamed West 53rd Street “Jerry Orbach Way,” so I would have to say that one.
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
Watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Absolutely horrible movie.
What’s the wildest thing you ever did while alive?
Every episode of Billy on the Street is completely insane. I honestly can’t believe I haven’t been killed yet or at least severely injured after three seasons. So I would have to say filming Billy on the Street. And once, for a segment on Conan, I ambushed the New York Giants on the field at the Super Bowl seconds after they won and asked them if they saw the Madonna halftime show. Still can’t believe they didn’t kill me.
If you could come back and spy on someone who’s still alive, who would it be and why?
Mark Ruffalo. I’d really love to see what makes him tick!
What is your proudest accomplishment?
Professionally, sticking with comedy and acting in the lean years before Billy on the Street came along. Also, Parks and Rec, my work with Funny or Die, etc. Personally, I’m not sure, but I’m doing pretty well on Tinder.
What is your biggest regret?
Turning down the lead role in Jack Reacher.
If you could accost anybody in the afterlife with a microphone, who would it be?
Hitler. I’d ask him if he was excited about Mr. Peabody & Sherman.
Who did you always want to sleep with?
What are people saying over your casket?