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5 “Dexter” Spinoffs We Actually Want to See

The lights have officially gone out for the series. But wait, there's still hope!


Photo Courtesy of Peter Lovino / Showtime

 

After eight stabby seasons, Dexter has finally come to an end; he’s made his last kill and wandered off into the sunset, his psychopathic tendencies merely a bloodstained mark in his past. If the rumors are to be believed though, this may not be the last we see of the Dexter crew, as a spinoff is apparently in the works. Considering how badly the once-great show crashed and burned in its final four seasons, recycling tired plotlines and forcing horrendous Dexter monologues down our throats, it’s safe to say that most of us would volunteer for Dexter’s kill table rather than spend more time with these tired characters. But, there’s hope! Surely, if we look outside the main cast of characters, there are some people surrounding Miami Metro that are worthy of their own time in spotlight. Here are five we think deserve a chance to shine.

 

1. Plastic Wrap Stan

While many Americans were hit hard by the 2008 recession, one man’s business was booming. All the plastic wrap that Dexter used in his kill rooms over the years had to come from somewhere, so we want to hear the story of Plastic Wrap Stan. Maybe his story runs parallel to Dexter, showing how his mom-and-pop plastic wrap business weathered the recession by supplying bulk quantities of wrap to a mysterious, syringe-carrying buyer. Or maybe the show takes place post-Dexter as a harsh, dark drama about a middle-class American businessman struggling to put food on his family’s table now that Miami’s secret serial killer no longer frequents his shop. We’re thinking a gritty, The Wire-esque tone is in order. HBO, we’ll await your offers.

 

2. Quinn’s Ladies

A single-camera comedy about a support group for women who were left behind with broken dreams and potential STDs by Miami Metro’s notorious ladies man, Joey Quinn. Over the years, Quinn, while looking more and more like Skeletor every season, was all over the field like Grady Sizemore in his prime. Sign on Chuck Lorre to inject some megabucks into this and snag guest appearances from Gisele Bundchen and Nadine Velazquez as Quinn’s spurned lovers, and we have a Thursday night comedy ready to battle it out in the sleaze depth chart with Two and a Half Men.

 

3. Ghost Doakes

Why stop at Dexter’s Ghost Dad, when you can have a crime-fighting apparition in the form of Season 2 victim Sergeant James Doakes? Working like another CSI rip off, Ghost Doakes solves weekly crimes around Miami, channeling his undead spirit through a young up-and-coming cop prone to mistakes played by the soon-to-be-jobless dude who plays Ted Mosby. Running gag: finding ways to work in Doakes’ patented slogan, “Surprise, Motherfucker,” into every episode.

 

4. Preschool Killer

Network television looks to get darker and darker after the successful gratuitous violence of The Following, so they commission this gritty crime show about Dexter’s son, Harrison, who’s been estranged from his father and has adopted all of his psychopathic tendencies. Just know, you do not want to steal Harrison’s crayons.

 

5. Jacob Elway P.I.

Debra Morgan’s private investigator partner from the final season gets to bring his metrosexual man swagger to primetime. With his tight dress shirts, high cheekbones and nonchalant attitude towards punching people out, Elway is your perfect badass cop battling inner demons. Jacob Elway P.I. sees him using brute force to solve Miami’s most scandalous crimes, from cheating boyfriends to murdered pool boys, all while getting in some solid punchlines. Actually, we’d totally watch this show.


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