If you're gonna pound Cheetos on the couch all summer (way too hot to do it outside), you should at least know which TV shows to watch and, more importantly, which ones to avoid with every fiber of your being.
RUN LIKE HELL
DRAMA
Flashpoint (CBS) Premieres: July 11
The Good: Another cop drama (that's really all CBS knows anymore), this one at least focuses on a group of tactical officers who do all the fun stuff like defuse bombs, rescue hostages, and talk down suicidal people.
The Bad: It's still a goddamn cop show. And the heroes are based on Toronto's Emergency Task Force. Bunch of hosers.
Like It? Try: Law & Order: Forgiving Victims Unit
Army Wives (Lifetime) Premieres: June 8
The Good: Um, it supports our troops?
The Bad: It's on Lifetime, a network for which you should not even know the channel. That's right, channel 12 is completely off-limits. Er...we only looked it up for your benefit.
Like It? Try: Joining your nana's bridge club
COMEDY
The Bill Engvall Show (TBS) Premieres: June 12
The Good: They've somehow convinced TBS that they belong on a channel whose motto is "very funny." And, evidently, this show is one of TBS's top-rated family sitcoms.
The Bad: TBS' only other family sitcom is
Tyler Perry's House of Payne. At least Larry the Cable Guy hasn't made an appearance...yet.
Like It? Try: The Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (We think you know the answer.)
REALITY
Greatest American Dog (CBS) Premieres: July 10
The Good: We love dogs. (They're man's best friends.) And we're confident that all the canines on this show have better brains than the creators behind it.
The Bad: We hate their idiot trainers (man's worst nightmare). We assume they're only there to operate the pooper-scooper.
Like It? Try: Lassie reruns, licking yourself (that's just a good idea any time)
Dance Machine (ABC) Premieres: June 27
The Good: There may be some cute girls in skimpy outfits, but we're not even sure it's worth watching to find out.
The Bad: It's yet another dancing competition, which ABC says bridges the gap between
Dancing With the Stars (ugh) and
Dance War (double ugh). Why don't they just add some rosy-cheeked teen boys and call this thing
High School Musical 14? (Sadly, the answer is below.)
Like It? Try: So You Think You Can Dance (Fox), killing yourself
High School Musical: Get in the Picture (ABC) Premieres: July 20
The Good: Wait, you're kidding, ABC, right?
The Bad: With no scripted programming this summer, ABC should be known as the "All Bullshit Channel." Here we get more dancing; this time the prize being a spot in a dance routine featured in the big-screen
High School Musical 3. (It's actually the scene the credits roll over, but go ahead and jazz-tap your bloody stumps out.)
Like It? Try: Resigning from the male gender
Jingles (CBS) Premieres: July 27
The Good: This one comes from shameless reality TV savant Mark Burnett, the mind behind
Survivor and
The Apprentice. Like
The Apprentice, the contestants are given weekly tasks; here they each work on advertising campaigns, namely, (you guessed it) commercial jingles. They then perform their jingle before a live studio audience.
The Bad: In a world where iPods have replaced radios and DVRs have helped us escape commercials, why would anyone want to watch a show about the creation of annoying adverts we've worked so desperately to escape?
Like It? Try: Humming your favorite jingle until you pass out
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Flashback: American Gladiators
Have the Ultimate Summer!
