Hi, me a bear. Me a bear who live here in New York City for more than 15 years, but it’s time to go. You see, me work for the lanky talk-show host Conan O’Brien. Me real name is Lance, but Conan calls me “The Masturbating Bear” because no matter what is happening, me can’t resist irresistible urge to paw at me pud with the same vigor most bears save for tearing the arms off of hikers. Speaking of which, hold on…Me typing with one paw while me other paw retracts its claws and snakes its way into me diaper! Time to wake the li’l grizzly out of hibernation! Me thinking of Goldilocks right now! Me want to toss porridge in her bowl! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
OK, me back now. So Conan is taking over The Tonight Show—which means me have to drag me prodigious sack cross-country to spill me honey pot all over Hollywood and Scientology compounds. I know what you think: Oh, poor Lance. He has to leave brutal East Coast winters so he can spank his salmon on West Coast TV. Boohoo for him. Well, guess what? Me no want to leave New York! As me dad once told me, “There’s no better town for a bear that is brown, to beat his hot dog and shoot mustard around.” But go me must. Wait a minute…Me just got great idea!
OK, me back. Guess what me just did? If you guessed “went to bathroom to masturbate,” you were right! Oh, man, me bust me berries like nobody’s business! Me even black out for a second, like that dude from INXS who like autoerotic asphyxiation! He die—not me! Me the best!
But anyway, me have fondle memories of the Big Apple. Me get to masturbate on TV 52 times! No one masturbate on TV more than me. (Me know what you’re thinking, but Barbara Walters doesn’t count.) Yogi, the Care Bears, Teddy Ruxpin—none had the courage to do what me did. Me a star!
OK, me say goodbye now. Me bag is packed and…Wait!…If me bag is packed, that means me bag is full, and if me bag is full, then it must be emptied! Claws retracting. Must…empty…bag. Oh, yes! Good bear! Pound on me panda! Thanks for watching, and tune in June 1, when Conan and me make big splash on The Tonight Show!