JOE BIDEN
How as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?
"...Look, I love John McCain. He's one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let's be frank: John McCain—and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for—is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, "God love 'im, but he's a raging maniac...and a dear, dear friend."


SARAH PALIN
Would you extend same sex rights to the entire country?
"You know, I would be afraid where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don't think I don't tolerate gay people, because I do, I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few, not personally, I know quite a few of them. I've seen Ellen—oh, and there was this one girl in my college basketball team. She wasn't officially a gay, but, you know, we were pretty sure."


BARACK OBAMA
Last week, in the National League Divisional Playoffs, the Chicago Cubs faces the los Angeles Dodgers. In Game 1, the Cubs lost 7-3. In Game 2, they lost 10-3. In Game 3, 3-1. What, as president, would you do to guarantee this never happens again?
"That's a fair question, William. But, let's face it: The Cubs may very well be in the playoffs again, perhaps even next year. If so, they will lose again. And they will keep right on losing, year after year after year because that is what the Cubs do. We as a nation have got to ween Cubs fans away from supporting that team and retrain them to support other teams, teams that will actually have a chance at winning."


JOHN MCCAIN
Over the last several years, we've seen budget deficits increase dramatically, with some experts saying this year's might reach $1 trillion. What will you do to bring government spending under control?
Barack Obama: "...We've gotta cut these programs with a scalpel, not a hatchet."

John McCain: "...As president, I would go after these bloated budgets with a giant hatchet, and then use a scalpel. Or I might take the advice of my friend Joe the Plumber and use a plunger."

BO: "A plunger? I don't understand."

JM: "Obviously, Senator, it's not an ordinary plunger. It's a magical plunger."

BO: "So, your friend, Joe the Plumber, has a magical plunger?"

JM: "That's correct."

BO: "Would your friend Joe be, by any chance, an imaginary friend?"

JM: "Senator, Joe the Plunger lives in a cigar box under my bed with our friend Simon."

Bob Shieffer: "So, Joe the Plumber would be very tiny then?"

JM: "Joe stands about three-and-a-half inches tall—except when he's upset...then he can become as big as a house. He's my best friend."

BS: "Alright. Let's turn to a new topic—"

JM: "Bob, could I just add that Simon is invisible?"