You’ve lived on the edge your entire life. What finally does you in?
I suppose lack of breath is what will ultimately do me in.

You’ve envisioned hell pretty clearly in your music, so what do you think heaven might look like?
Like a warm pussy.

If you had actually planted any subliminal lyrics in your music, what would they have said?
“Your mother sniffs socks that smell.”

Fox has recruited your family for a new variety show, Osbournes: Reloaded. What variety show from the past do you think plays over and over in hell?
No question. It would be Donny & Marie.

The Osbournes is the highest-rated series in MTV history. What about your family was so sinfully enjoyable ?
It was “real” reality TV. Not like the scripted reality shows that are on now.

Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
No, but there are plenty I would have liked to kick in the balls.

If you could be resurrected as any current musician, who would it be?
Probably Jay-Z, because at least I would be married to Beyoncé.

What’s the wildest thing you did while you were alive? Biting the head off that bat?
Getting sober.

What’s your proudest accomplishment?
Staying married to my wife.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever given to your children?
Don’t lie to me, because I’m the best friend you’ll ever have.

Got any last words?
The treasure is buried…cough, cough…


Osbournes: Reloaded airs Tuesdays at 9 P.M. on Fox.