There's a lot of TV being being bounced off the satellites these days. Too much for any one person to completely monitor, but that doesn't mean we're not going to do our best to sift through all the listings and figure out what you should be watching (or at least DVR-ing for later)...and what crap you should never, ever subject yourself or your loved ones to.

 

Monday

8:00 p.m Surviving the Holidays With Lewis Black (History)

You think the holidays drive you crazy? Just imagine how insane they make hot-under-the-collar comedian Lewis Black. In this History Channel special, expect Black to take a closer look at the holiday season, focusing on everything from drinking on New Year's to exactly where Kwanzaa, Hanukkah and the tradition of Santa Claus come from. Expect plenty of facial tics, agitated pointing and shouting. Lots and lots of shouting.

 

 

Wednesday

10:00 p.m. The Beatles On Record (History)

Two History Channel shows in one column? Seems unheard of, but we can't ignore this sure-to-be-arresting documentary that follows the Beatles' recording sessions from "Please Please Me" to "Abbey Road." On Record reportedly ignores the infamous personal drama (we don't need to hear about squabbles over biscuits or whatever again) and focuses solely on the actual recording sessions with archival footage and interviews. Beatles fans may also want to check out Paul McCartney: Good Evening New York City at 10 p.m. on ABC, where Macca plays in Flushing, NY, 44 years after the Beatles played Shea Stadium (which was, not coincidentally, in Flushing).

 

 

Thursday

10:00 p.m. Cool Tools: The 25 Coolest (DIY)

Cool Tools host Chris Grundy regularly analyzes - you guessed it - all kinds of insane and manly tools and lets you know how (and how well) they work. This special looks back at the 25 coolest tools as voted on by viewers. The online poll included such gadgets as a Loggerhead Immix Multitool (which is tiny, has knives and 20 screw bits) and a 4-in-1 demolition tool that would make an awesome weapon in a slasher flick. If you're a fan, check it out to see your horse crossed the finish line; if you're a newbie, this might be a good jumping-on point. You know, because a show about tools has lots of layers, man. Layers!

 

 

Friday

10:00 p.m. The Soup (E!)

At this point in your life, we hope you don't need a reminder to watch The Soup. It's come a long way since its Talk Soup origins, and if you're not a regular viewer, you're simply out of your mind. Or you're the type who enjoys Tyra Banks and Wendy Williams, like for real. Host (and star of NBC's Community) Joel McHale and his team of subversive staffers spend a half hour every week skewering pop culture. Not only do McHale's jokes kill, but the staffers do a hell of a lot with simple shout-outs and random cheering, as well as some of the best title cards ever seen on TV. Plus, you never know who might show up in quick guest spots.

 

 

Sunday

8:00 p.m. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Concert (HBOe)

It's still a free world, so we may as well keep rocking in it. This concert film, originally shot during the two-night celebration of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 25th anniversary, boasts performances by Aretha Franklin, Simon and Garfunkel, U2, Stevie Wonder, The Jeff Beck Band, Metallica, Crosby Stills & Nash, and Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band. The Boss' set has about as many guest stars as the show itself, with Tom Morello, Jackson Browne, Sam Moore, John Fogerty, Darlene Love and Peter Wolf joining him. We're getting our lighters ready now.

 

 

The SILVER LINING

 

Wednesday

9:00 p.m. Glee (Fox)

There's about as much melodrama on Fox's crazy popular high school musical series as The CW's entire lineup, but it does have two things working in its favor: Hot girls and kickass tunes. Sure, the songs get the "glee club" treatment, but you'd be surprised how much emotional heft a kid in a wheelchair can wring out of "Dancing With Myself."  And don't worry about feeling like a dirty old man - stars Dianna Agron (Quinn) and Lea Michele (Rachel) are both 23, so it's not weird! Plus, there's the added bonus of mousy germaphobe teacher Ms. Pillsbury, played by the ridiculously cute Jayma Mays. So the total package is totally worth soldiering through the showtunes and baby drama.

 

 

THIS SHOW ACTUALLY EXISTS

Even after exhaustively combing through the TV listings every week and seeing shows like I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, there are still a few that make us slap our foreheads in sheer astonishment.

 

Sunday

10:00 p.m. 650lb Virgin: The Weight Is Over (TLC)

[Pictured: Entirely misleading Virgin art. But you'd rather look at this, trust us.]

 

Wow, not only is this not a joke whatsoever, but it's essentially a sequel. Apparently in July TLC gave us the story of David Smith, a dude who lost over 400 pounds naturally. We're all for slimming-and-trimming down, but the combination of two puns in the title alone leaves us perturbed, not to mention that this feels like fatsploitation. But, hey, guy's gotta get paid. And the cameras probably help with the ladies.