Television...there's a hell of a lot of it out there. Too much for any one person to completely monitor, but that doesn't mean we're not going to do our best to sift through all the listings and figure out what you should be watching every week...with highlights, lowlights and the crap you should just plum stay away from. We're doing this for you.

 

Tuesday, Dec. 15th

9:00 p.m. Dirty Jobs (Discovery)

 

In host Mike Rowe's ever-expanding quest to prove your job doesn't suck as much as you think, he roams the country looking for occupations that leave their occupants filthy and/or beat all to hell. This week's episode finds him examining a cow with a wounded stomach (you won't want steak afterward) and heading to a fireworks factory to see what goes into our favorite brightly colored (if moderately dangerous) explosives. (It's not nearly as fun as you might think...shockingly, playing with fire there is frowned upon.)

 

 

Wednesday, Dec. 16th

1:35 a.m. Last Call With Carson Daly ... with Dita Von Teese!!! (NBC)

 

Many of you have probably been questioning whether or not Carson Daly was still alive, let alone still wondering if his incredibly late talk show (after Leno, Conan and Fallon) was still on the air. Turns out it is, and all the haters should know it actually has an interesting format, with Daly traveling across the country and putting his awkward interview skills to the test on the road instead of inside a studio with a bored audience. Wednesday morning's show (stay up late Tuesday night!) will feature burlesque dancer and mega hottie Dita Von Teese, so we don't really care what the TRL kid is saying as long as he doesn't block the view.

 

 

Also on Wednesday

10:00 p.m. Maxim's Hottest Moments of 2009 (E!)

 

Once you've recovered from your long night of watching Dita's Last Call, make sure to swing by E! and check out Maxim's Hottest Moments of 2009. Of course we're plugging our own show; what do you think this is, The Enquirer? Self-plugging may even be one of the stories featured in the greatest hour of television ever committed to...television. And we'll be showing off all of the sweat-inducing lovely lasses who have made this the greatest year in hotness ever. Don't believe us? Tune in and prepare to become a follower.

 

 

Thursday, Dec. 17th

10:00 p.m. Jersey Shore (MTV)

 

If you haven't been watching Jersey Shore, sweet jeebus, you are missing out. It's like The Real World but with lower standards, more hair gel, bigger muscles, trashier girls, higher potential for venereal diseases and more guidos and guidettes (their words, not ours) than you can shake one of those giant salamis we see on TV at. Also, this is the already infamous episode that MTV has been hyping since the show premiered two weeks ago where one of the girls, who has dubbed herself Snooki (yes, that's spelled correctly), gets cracked in the face by some dude in a bar. Of course, we don't support such violence against women; we're just pointing out what the people on the Internet apparently want to see, you buncha sickos.

 

 

Saturday, Dec. 19th

11:30 p.m. Saturday Night Live (NBC)

 

SNL's been a bit rocky the last few weeks with hosts like the girl from Gossip Girl and the wife from Mad Men (great shows, great actresses, but stiff-as-hell hosts). But after James Franco's Oscar-worthy (seriously) performance in Pineapple Express, a hilarious hosting stint in September of last year, and his recent bizarro gig on General Hospital, we can't wait to see what he'll do when he shares the stage once again with favorite performers like Bill Hader, Andy Samberg and Kristen Wiig. As an added bonus, an actual quality musical act in the form of Muse will be playing, so there you go...must-see TV.

 

 

THE SILVER LINING

 

Wednesday, Dec. 16th

10:00 p.m. Eastwick (ABC)

 

ABC's witchy drama Eastwick (based on the 22-year-old movie The Witches of Eastwick, itself based on the 1984 John Updike novel of the same name; way to stay ahead of the curve on that one, guys) may seem like just another show about women trying to get men and whatnot. And maybe it was, as it's already been canceled and ABC has yet to air the last few remaining episodes. But after checking out the lineup of enchantresses to be gazed upon, you might be willing to give it a shot while you still can. You've got the Stamos-less Rebecca Romijn (now shacking up with an O'Connell), Lindsay Price, Jaime Ray Newman and Ashley Benson. So let 'em put a spell on you...might be worth sitting through the lady drama.

 

 

GLUTTONS FOR PUNISHMENT

 

Tuesday, Dec. 15th

9:00 p.m. Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live (FOX) – Seriously, this guy's mean.

 

So, the idea behind this new Cookalong Live show is that you can stand side by side with the bastardiest chef in the world, Gordon Ramsay (he of Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares fame), and learn how to make three-course meals. Really? Does this seem like a good idea? Maybe if you like getting screamed at through your television and have dishes smashed in your general direction. Yeah, we know he's just on the TV and can't really hurt us, but we don't need that kind of aggravation in our lives. Instead, we're going to order Chinese food, head over right away to see how they cook it, learn nothing, eat like kings and fall asleep watching That '70s Show reruns.